What made me laugh in 2006? The news as always! Here’ the US version of my satirical wrap up of 2006.
And the Good News?
Former Seinfeld star, Michael Richards was caught on a mobile phone camera yelling racist insults at black members of an audience he was delivering stand up to. Richards yelled at the people “N**gers! N**gers! Kick em out, they’re n**gers!”. At first the audience thought they’d accidentally walked into a Bill Cosby gig, but then he continued “50 years ago we’d have had you strung upside down”. Coincidentally, it’s been roughly 50 years since Michael Richards last made anyone laugh. It seems Richards’ career will finally be ended by this outburst, though he has been approached by the US Republican Party to run for President at the next election. Australia’s Channel Nine have since decided to run repeats of the mobile phone clip on Monday nights after the clip got higher ratings than The New Adventures of Old Christine. Richards says he has no racist sentiments towards blacks, in fact last Thanksgiving he even invited one around and they let him have pride of place as the pinyata.
2006 was the year Australian Guantanamo Bay prisoner David Hicks was given a fair and open trial and received justice at last, while Saddam Hussein was subjected to torture for absolutely no reason. Wait. Scratch that. Reverse it.
It was the year in which Australia expressed fears about Iran developing nuclear power in case they use it to develop nuclear weapons, while many expressed concerns about Australia developing nuclear weapons in case they used it to create nuclear power.
The US midterm elections brought a pounding for the Republicans, although Al Gore still insisted on a recount just for the hell of it. Amazingly, in spite of the win Iraq is still a mess, global warming’s still happening and Jesus still hasn’t returned to Earth, but at least Australia won back the Ashes.
An inquest into the death of Pricess Diana showed that Prince Charles was not responsible and that there had been a stingray in the tunnel.
2006 was the year Steve Irwin and Peter Brock died doing
what they loved....which was apparently bleeding to
death from massive trauma to vital organs. Steve Irwin was tragically killed this year by a stingray but that hasn’t stopped the conspiracy theorists. Mel Gibson insisted the stingray was Jewish. An inquest into the death proved that the stringray was 3 times over the drink and swim limit and had not been hired by Prince Charles to do the job. In actual fact, the stingray was part of our new border control program and mistook Irwin for a boat person when he saw Irwin throwing his baby Bob overboard into a sea of crocodiles.
Mel Gibson was arrested for drink driving and then launched into a racist tirade in which he told the police officer that Jews were responsible for all the wars in the world. Funny, I didn’t know George Bush was Jewish.
It was the year vice president Cheney accidently shot
his friend in the face. His friend forgave him but
said "Next time you shoot your load into my face you
can at least buy me a drink first!"
The Federal Government announced a report by former nuclear physicist Ziggy Switkowski showing that Australia should invest in nuclear energy to avert global warming. Howard is also funding a report into whether to allow Jewish refugees into Australia to be done by mel Gibson, Fred Nile will be responsible will look into whethere we should have gay marriage and Eddie Maguire will look into our industrial relations policy. Funnily enough though Howard is giving little credence to the report by Peter Costello showing that people over the age of 60 shouldn’t do any jobs that requires them to make decisions or give press conferences.
It was the year that 2 guys got trapped in a collapsed
Beaconsfield mineshaft for 2 weeks. The story captured
the hearts and cheque books of our nations media. This is a truly inspiring story: if two guys can get paid
a shitload for getting out of a hole it brings hope to
all those living in Adelaide.
A Russian spy died of nuclear radiation after Vladimir Putin planted radioactive material on him. John Howard announced plans to use the Russian spy as part of Australia’s global warming strategy after it was discovered the spy could provide nuclear energy for half of Sydney.
And that’s the Good News!
Warren
Australian Catholics spoke out against plans to use human stemcells for cancer research, saying you shouldn’t just rescue human beings that are going to be thrown in the bin anyway: that’d be like giving CPR to a homosexual, or condoms to an African. Tony Abbott said he was worried about breeding human animal hybrids: but just think of the advantages: Angelina Jolie could breed someone with the face of Brad Pitt who really is hung like a horse and she wouldn’t have to kidnap him from Africa, Tom Cruise could create a wife who isn’t taller than him and Australia could create a Prime Minister with a human heart.
The Pope caused controversy when he made a speech in which he implied that Mohammed was a paedophilic warmonger, but the Pope defended himself, saying that he was trying to point out how alike Islam and Catholicism are.
Giving Headline
OJ Simpson offered to write a book all about how he would have killed his wife if he had done it, but he still insists he is innocent. Alexander Downer is also writing a book “How I would have embezzled money from the AWB if I had done it”, Mark Latham is writing a third book called “ How I would have backstabbed everyone who’s ever helped me out if I were a psycopathic lunatic with an anger management problem” and Senior Seargent Chris Hurley is writing a book called “How I would have planted my fist into Mulrunji seven times if I were a racist pig”.
2006 was the year when Michael Richards told a black man that 50 years ago we’d have had him strung upside down...and in Australia Palm Island police officer Chris Hurley showed that nothing much has changed in 50 years. There was controversy as the Queensland Director of Public Prosecutions decided not to prosecute the policeman found by the coroner to have bashed and killed Aboriginal man Mulrunji Doomadgee. The DPP refused to prosecute the case, saying Mulrunji’s death was all part of a tragic accident: Oops! I accidentally landed my fist into your ribs five times. Peter Beattie refused to intervene on the basis that intervening with an independent DPP would put us on the slippery slope to corruption. Yeah. That would be the corrupt part. But Beattie did express his strong regret that the event had occurred and even suggested Australians who want to do something about their upset for Mulrunji should walk across the Sydney Harbour Bridge next weekend. So let me get this straight: Hurley’s story is that he and Mulrunji both fell, Mulrunji broke several ribs and ruptured a liver and the cop came up unscathed. Amazing. Coincidentally, Mrs Hurley also turned up with a black eye last week, after also having fallen down a flight of stairs and run into a door.
Jeanette Howard spoke openly for the first time about
her fight with cervical cancer. She said wasn't a big
deal to her since she's endured nasty invasive cells
near her cervics for several years....every time she and John procreated.
2006 was the year John Howard gave us WorkChoices and then spent several thousands of dollars promoting it. Howard has announced the next round of Workchoices ads will feature Bindi Irwin, who is apparently a big fan of the IR policy:
Come over to my place, I’ll give you an AWA
That’s a piece of paper where your rights are taken away
Wages so low they’ll give you a fright
and make affording groceries really tight
Don’t work Christmas Day and your ass is mine
you won’t even get paid for overtime
we’ll keep you working til you’re way too old
we’re building a system in the Maggie Thatcher mould
there’s bossing and shafting and sacking to do
we’ll even limit your visits to the loo
but best of all it’s my Workchoices Zoo
ABC Brisbane abandoned their Toowong studios after it was discovered that there was an unusually high rate of breast cancer among employees. Managing Director Mark Scott acknowledged the cancer rates were of concern, though for the sake of balance, Andrew Bolt and Keith Windschuttle were asked for their opinions and they said there was no such thing as breast cancer or a breast cancer generation. Real estate agents are already marketing the site, pushing the fact that the new occupants won’t need any microwave or stove to do their cooking. John Howard already has it earmarked for a nuclear power plant.
Qantas was sold off as part of a new arrangement to ensure good telecommunications services for the bush following the T3 sale: any time you want to make a phone call from the bush, Qantas will fly you into the city where you can use a payphone. Campbells soup is also helping out the bush by providing two empty cans and a piece of string for every bush household.
Controversy over the inquiry into the Government’s knowledge of embezzled funds from the Australian Wheat Board. John Howard, as several other ministers appeared at the inquiry, insisting they had no recollection of the memos they had signed detailing the embezzlements. Gee a 64 year old man with the memory of a goldfish...just as well he’s not doing an important job like running the country or something. Bronwyn Bishop and Peter Costello have both been seen scouting old folks’ homes for little Johnny since his memory lapses, but they’re still yet to find one that uses good quality kero.
Pauline Hanson announced she would run for election in 2007, saying we’re in danger of being invaded by Muslims whose kebab shops are a serious threat to all Aussie fish n chip shop owners. Hanson said she’s worried about Africans coming to Australia because they might bring cooties. She’s also worried about Muslim headgear, because she says the only headgear that should be worn in Australia is the traditional white hood. Immigration Minister Andrew Robb called for an end to Hanson’s comments, saying they might make Australia appear racist, when the strength of the Howard Government has been to keep our racism hidden.
12 Months in 4 Seconds
Today Tonight presenter Naomi Robson landed herself in hot water several times this year. She and her crew were arrested in Indonesia when they entered on a tourist visa so they could do a story on a young boy who is allegedly going to be eaten by cannibals. Robson and her crew were ejected for having the wrong visa. They admitted to the Indonesian police that they weren’t tourists but journalists...a claim later disproved when the authorities were shown tapes of Today Tonight.
The ALP decided to go in a fresh new direction with a different leader to the past in the shape of Kevin Rudd. Rudd said Australians don’t want a leader who’s just an echo of John Howard because what’s really important to them is to keep interest rates low and to decide who becomes a citizen of this country and the circumstances in which they do so. The Liberals were very disappointed to see themselves drop in the polls, but there are several other factors that also contributed. Most Australians voted for the Liberal party at the last election because Mark Latham assured them that if they did, John Howard would retire. Peter Costello says it’s time to go John, but if he doesn’t he’s going to pin Howard to the table during question time and turkey slap him. Costello insists he’s just as good a liar as John Howard: he even convinced the whole town of Sydney last week that there was a wolf, but John Howard insists he’s still the best man to make sure the country’s trains run on time.