The jokes the Americans will get are highlighted in bold.
Dolphins are being used by the US Navy to monitor waters for enemy ships. Animal rights experts protested and asked whether we really want wild animals in charge of America’s national security. Looking at the last Presidential election, evidently the answer is yes.
Education Minister Julie Bishop has suggested Australia should adopt performance pay for teachers. Workplace Relations Minister Kevin Andrews has also suggested we should adopt performance pay for politicians, but had to abandon that idea when he realised that would mean they’d all be earning more on the dole.
Julie Bishop has also called for a national curriculum to make sure that all Australian kids are learning the same content. For instance, children around the country will now learn the same maths problems like If there are 26 people in a boat, and 5 of those are refugees who have children on board, how many elections can a conservative Government win by playing the race card? History lessons will teach how God sent his only son, Robert Menzies to save the world from Communism. And science students will learn about how nuclear can solve all our global warming problems by warping our brains until no one believes in global warming anymore, it can solve all the world’s starvation problems by producing fish with multiple heads to eat and how it can solve all our water problems by polluting the entire country’s water systems until everyone dies from drinking it... except of course those rich enough to afford Evian and Perrier all the time, most of whom are businesspeople who don’t give a damn about global warming anyway, so they can stop worrying and go back to coal.
Kevin Rudd settled into his job as leader of the ALP. And if the polls are anything to go by, Rudd will be the most popular person to lose for the ALP yet.
John Howard announed he is ready and invigorated as he prepares to fight his fourth election as PM. John Howard has held on to the Prime Ministership for so long because he feared handing the job over to Peter Costello, who he sees as too left wing, but now that Kevin Rudd’s come on the scene, Johnny can forfeit the next election and still rest easy in the knowledge that we’re in conservative hands.
Amanda Vanstone announced she will retire from politics and head off to Italy to become Australia’s new ambassador. Upon hearing the news, the Italians excised the entire country of Italy from their own migration borders and offered to house Amanda in their new Australian embassy, replete with barbed wire and sewing machines for lips.
Amid calls to ban junk food ads for kids, Tony Abbott said that it is up to individuals to make healthy choices. Abbott says we all have the choice to follow his lead in choosing healthy food and he’s releasing a book of his own recipes like caviar on wholegrain bread for breakfast and camembert sandwiches for lunch.
Islamic convert Yvonne Ridley spoke at an Islamic conference saying that Australians are among the worst Muslim haters in the world. Pauline Hanson has expressed her outrage, vowing to make Australia number one, saying we can hate Muslims just as much as the French and the Americans if we try hard enough.
Kevin Rudd unveiled his new industrial relations policy, in which he strongly criticised everything Workchoices stands for, and then vowed to do nothing whatsoever to change it. He promises to disagree strongly with the Iraq War for the duration of his Prime Ministership, while also maintaining a healthy troop presence and to maintain the exclusion of various islands from our migration zone, while denouncing this policy as an abuse of human rights. But hey what could he do? He’d only be Prime Minister. It’s quite brilliant really: he’s a Government and Opposition all rolled into one. He’ll take actions as PM, or rather inactions, then criticise everything he does. He’ll make the best Liberal Prime Minister the Labor Party’s ever had! I’m not suggesting he’s egotistical or anything, but if you suggested to him that he could lead the Labor Party and the Liberal Party at the same time, he’d probably ask why you didn’t think he could also do the job of the public servants at the same time.
After spending millions of dollars on an advertising blitz promoting Workchoices, the Federal Government discovered the Australian people still don’t like it, so they’re spending up on another round of ads to try and convince us. And if that doesn’t work, they’re going to send us all to Guantanamo Bay and force us to stay there until we all sign AWAs.
Louis Nowra released a new book about domestic violence in Aboriginal communities, in which he says they must abandon traditional culture because the violence and rapes are part of customary law. Yes that would be from that well known Dreaming story of the Rainbow Serpent coming and raping all the women in its path, and my favourite “How Woman got her black eye”.
Environment Minister Malcom Turnbull has welcomed reports of rising sea levels, saying if we can get them to rise high enough, we just might be able to fill the Murray Darling basin.
LG have created a fridge that lets you also access the internet, order items to restock the fridge and do all your banking online..all without leaving the kitchen. So it’s perfect for Bill Heffernan’s wife.
Petro Giorgio criticised the Government’s new English test for migrants. Pauline Hanson sat the test but struggled with questions like “Are you xenophobic?”. So on the plus side, Pauline Hanson would be deported!
And that’s the good news!
Who’s In the Box?
John Billings, founder of rhythm method passed away, survivied by 8 of his 9 children, and a growing family of grand and great grand children. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for the efficacy of rhythm method then.
Smirnoff have announced they’re going into receivership after former Russian leader Boris Yeltsin passed away last month.
There’s been an alarming increase in the amount of necrophiliacs hanging out at St Peter’s cemetery in California, since Playboy bunny Anna Nicole Smith died this year. Smith left behind a baby and it seems just about every man and his dog has claimed to be the father. David Oldfield is the one person denying being the father.
Giving Headline
In a series of articles by Tony Abbott, the Libs accused Kevin Rudd of lying about his life at 11 years old. They also say Rudd copied off his neighbour’s spelling test in Year 3 and of having stolen the cookie from the cookie jar.
Pauline Hanson revealed she slept with Mike Oldfield. The bitch from the Swich said they had a romantic dinner at the Ipswich fish n chip shop and then she seduced him in a miniskirt and ug boots. Pauline has granted Liz Hayes a tell-all interview in which she will be asked questions like “Are you a nymphomaniac?” and reply “Please explain.”
Police reacted angrily to the decision to overturn the Qld DPP’s decision not to prosecute alleged murder of Palm Island resident Mulrunji, Sen Sgt Chris Hurley, saying it could set a dangerous precedent where Aboriginal people start expecting justice from the law. Police say they don’t know what everyone is so upset about. 10 years ago the Report into Deaths in Custody was greeted with horror and outrage, and ever since good police officers like Chris Hurley have only tried to lft their game and make sure that more Aborigines get killed in custody. Australia’s first Aboriginal policeman, X says in his long career he has never seen one good outcome for Aboriginal people out of the Queensland justice system. But come on, that’s a bit unfair, what about when they jailed Pauline Hanson? Albeit with conjugal visits from David Oldfield. Peter Beattie has denied that the decision to overturn the DPP’s decision indicates her incompetence, saying that it comes down to how you interpret the Constitution: normally the 1967 referendum on Aboriginal citizenship only applies in the southern states.
4 Months in 10ish seconds (A Thousand Words)
The US Presidential race got underway as candidates vie for their party’s approval. The Republicans have 70 year old John McCain as their frontrunner. Some have suggested McCain is too old and they don’t want to risk having a dead President, but others have pointed out that it doesn’t bother them having a lame duck President, so why not a dead one? The Democrats’ front runner is Barack Hussein Obama. George Bush is still confused about the Democrat candidate, and he can’t understand why no one will let him declare war on Barrack, Hussein and Obama. He also commended the CIA on having found Obama bin Laden. Bush’s only comment on the race is that he thinks Martin Sheen has done a wonderful job as President, but he prefers Alan Alda to Jimmy Smits. John Howard took the unusual step of commenting on US candidate Obama. Howard figured “Well I don’t seem to be doing very well against Kevin, but I reckon I can get preferred PM against Obama”.
David Hicks pleaded guilty to providing material support for terrorism and having dinner with Brian Burke. The Americans apologised for having taken so long to bring Hicks to trial but they say he had been stubbornly insisting on pleading not guilty, which they saw as a clear obstacle to being able to provide him with a fair trial. After Hicks pleaded guilty, he was forced to reappear 3 days later to explain what exactly he was pleading guilty to. Apparently the Americans didn’t know either, but the prtosecution sure was relieved that Hicks could explain it, cos they had no idea.
Amid controversy over a fake dawn service, Kevin Rudd cancelled his commitment to Channel Seven’s Sunrise programme, though not before Kochie could jump in the back of Rudd’s limo on the way to an ANZAC march, in which he asked Rudd and Joe Hockey to do a version of Redgum’s I Was Only Nineteen. Rudd denied that he’s a media tart desperate to get his mug on television no matter what for, and he’s been busy telling that to Kerri Anne, Sixty Minutes, Eddie Maguire, David & Kim, Bert’s Family Feud, Karl Stefanovic, ACA, Today Tonight and anyone else without a skeric of integrity. Actually Rudd’s had so many media commitments of late, he’s had to ask John Howard to fill in for him a couple of times. Johnny just put on a wig and nobody noticed the difference.
Peter Garrett headed up a concert called Rockin For Rights to campaign against WorkChoices. Musicians campaigning for working rights: a group of people who think that tough working conditions is being made to get up before ten for rehearsal and poor pay conditions is not getting cheap cocaine.
In the US, a man called Xang We went on a killing rampage through a University campus, creating the worst serial killing in America’s history and falling just 2 short of Martin Bryant’s record. Anything the Americans can do we can do better.
The Iraqis have announced they’re replacing all their tanks with white Fiat Unos after news that Prince Harry is in training to fight in Iraq. Harry turned up bright and early to training on his first day, but he was a bit angry when he had to go back and get changed because the drill sergeant said he couldn’t wear his SS uniform. There have been some suggestions that Harry’s presence would be a danger to his fellow soldiers, as it would make him an extra target, but Harry says as long as their chauffeurs don’t have to drive the tank through any tunnels, they should be fine. Others have expressed concern that the royal won’t be tough enough to go the distance with the army, but Harry says he’s had lots of tough experiences to prepare him for this. He’s had lots of experience with firing....servants from their jobs and only last week a chandelier fell from the ceiling and he was wounded when one of the pieces of glass made a nasty cut, and he didn’t even cry...too much. Harry did get into an emergency situation last week where he and his comrades lost their guns and ammo, but Harry showed incredible ingenuity to make do with some of the items from his rucksack, though his comrades were a little suspicious of why he had a hose pipe and lemonade bottle with him in the jungle.
Warren
Kevin Rudd released a new broadband plan, vowing that no child shall be living without broadband by 2090. Rudd said that in this day and age, where families are pressed for time, teenagers need faster and better access to porn, access fast enough so they don’t finish off before they’ve finished downloading the whole picture. Labor reestablished its social welfare credentials. Homeless people are hoping they can use the old modems to replace their cardboard boxes, though many are demanding broadband cardboard boxes.
Kevin Rudd spoke out against Mark Latham’s private school hit list from the last election, saying that when it comes to the funding of schools, he will support parental choice. He said that they will do that by funding all schools, whether they are government, non government, religious or secular. The only thing it would be contingent on is that they teach the Bible with the correct Catholic interpretation, and that stem cell research and homosexuality is an abomination in God’s eyes.
John Howard commented in Parliament that the jury was still out on the connection between emissions and climate change. Rudd said that the jury was still out on the connection between being Prime Minister and having intelligence.
Tony Abbott and Peter Costello criticised Labor’s plan to withdraw troops from Iraq, which is odd because normally Abbott favours withdrawal method.
Brendan Nelson announced that the Government will be making more efforts to recruit new members for the armed forces. Peter Costello has suggested families should now have 4 children: 1 for Mum, 1 for Dad, 1 for the country and 1 for the army. And if we declare war on Lebanon, we’d be able to get hundreds of recruits from Cronulla.
End Note
And so we leave you with the news that while David Hicks has expressed concern that he won’t be able to get a job in Australia when he is released from prison, Brendan Nelson has promised him they can get him a lucrative scholarship with the army fighting in Afghanistan. And Peter Costello has suggested that if that doesn’t work out, Hicks could fly John Howard’s plane on flights to New York.
Start spreading the news....
I'm flyin a plane
right through the very heart of it
New York New York
These Guantanamo shoes
are longing to stray
I'm gonna sell my story to
New Idea, New Weekly
I wanna wake up on the cover of Newsweek
And find I'm man of the year, top of the list
The polar icecaps
Are melting away
They'll build a nuclear power plant
in Old New York
If they can make uranium here
we'll sell it everywhere
It's up to you
Kevin Rudd, Kevin Rudd
Good Night!