And the good news from 2007?
(American readers: The jokes you will get are in bold)
As Union thugs took over the country, and interest rates rocketed sky high, true to John Howard’s prediction, the sky fell in and the entire country fell into recession. With the victory of the Union-dominated Labor Government, there has been a rise in strike action, particularly amongst school teachers who have been on strike now for several weeks running.
George Bush was in the country for APEC. Actually he’s still stuck in Australia...he can’t find an exit strategy. While he was out here, Kevin Rudd gave Bush a biography of John Curtin. I love that. There’s something delightfully amusing about giving George W Bush a book as a present. Bush said he didn’t like it as much as the Dr Seuss book he read last week, but there were some good photos in the middle.
Scientists have witnessed birds twisting wire to use them as tools, which they say demonstrate an increased level of intelligence. Scientists are now observing members of the Bush administration for evidence of the same evolutionary progress.
A video was released to the media of some Army boys getting drunk on beer and putting on KKK bedsheets as headgear. John Howard defended their actions, saying they were just letting off steam. Isn’t it great to see then that it’s the Army who are now entrusted with going into Aboriginal communities to crack down on child abuse.
John Howard came up with a novel solution to the youth unemployment problem this year by calling on Year 12 graduates to spend their gap year with the Defence Forces. “If you spend your gap year in the defence Forces, we’ll even throw in free beer and bedsheets! But wait there’s more. Join in the next 15 minutes and he promises you a ride on one of the Navy’s helicopters as you board a luxurious cruise to Iraq. Videos have since been discovered of Liberal party headquarters on November 25 with Costello and Howard both donning bedsheets as headgear and descending upon the Northern Territory to “let off some steam”.
Osama bin laden released a video, confirming that he is still alive, that he is still the leader of Al-Qaeda, and shrugging off threats of a leadership challenge from Peter Costello. George Bush responded to questions about Bin Laden by describing him as a powerless figurehead no longer capable of having any impact on the world. Bush later apologised and withdrew the comment, saying that he thought he was being asked about John Howard.
In the UK, Al Qaeda have begun recruiting teenagers. And they say the youth aren’t interested in politics.
Santa Clauses at shopping malls were banned from saying “Ho ho ho” because conservative Christians think that if you record it and play it backwards it sounds like someone having an orgasm.
Queensland refused Daylight Savings again. Anna Bligh said Queenslanders are used to being much more than an hour behind the rest of the country.
Babies watching social interaction reach out approvingly to individuals who help others but shun bullies who obstruct someone trying to complete a task, a study released in Britain’s Nature journal revealed last month, which explains why John Howard had so much trouble kissing babies this election campaign.
Former Environment Minister Malcolm Turnbull pledged to protect Tasmania’s old growth forests from the Gunns pulp mill. After all, he says if we don’t have the old growth forests, where else are we going to get good quality furniture?
The Chaser caused controversy with their song about the dead that called Princess Di a slut and made fun of Steve Irwin and Belinda Emmett. The Chaser had considered doing a song about dead Aboriginal people but decided that would be immoral and offensive.
A teenager managed to crack into the Howard Government’s new internet porn filter within half an hour...which came as a big relief to Kevin Rudd ever since Therese installed the filter on all the home computers.
After many years of absence from the world stage, Osama bin Laden released a new video, though critics say his dance moves aren’t what they used to be and the black bikini made him look fat.
Britney Spears had to get herself a second job to try and get the kids back...she’s now working as a dancer for Kevin Rudd.
And in other news military action has caused fanatical terrorists to see the error of their ways and be nice to people. Oh hang on that didn’t happen.
Pakistan descended into chaos and President Musharraf suspended the Constitution, thus meaning he has to stay as leader. John Howard simply commented “If only we’d thought of that”.
Right wing shock jock Stan Zemaneck died of a brain tumour this year. Doctors did spot the tumour early on but because it was already massive and growing quickly, they mistook it for his ego.
The Liberals suffered defeat and were given a clear choice of leadership styles between Malcolm Turnbull and Brendan Nelson..and obviously decided they quite like being in Opposition.
Australia’s only indigenous minister Marion Scrymgour criticised the Federal Government’sw intervention in the NT. Kevin Rudd said he did not care about Scrymgour’s views. Fair enough Kevin. After all, she’s only an Aborigine. Best to let the politicians get on with the job hey.
21. Silverchair sweeped the ARIAs, winning best album, best single and biggest sell-out, thoiugh the latter category was hotly contested by Midnight Oils singer Peter Garrett. Garrett has releassed new solo versions of Oils hits to refelct his new less pasiionate stances, Power & The Apathy, Beds are Smouldering a Little.
There’s been another school shooting in another US school, the 50th since Columbine. Quite frankly, I’m shocked. I mean this is America...where are they getting all the guns from?
1. The Howard Government showed they’re not just tough on asylum seekers, they’re not just tough on dole cheats, they’re also very tough on innocent Indian doctors.
17. Paris Hilton says people were wrong to think she is a dumb blonde and that it was all an act. Paris described her time in prison as quote “Like being locked in a cage.” How could we have ever thought that anyone that insightful could be stupid? Paris has made a resolution to make a positive contribution to society. For example she offered to paint herself black and appear in advertisements for world vision as a starving Ethiopian child. She has also offered to provide developing countries instructional tapes showing a novel way to supplement their protein.
A high school student recently won the right to take cigarette breaks from class after a court ruled that she is addicted to nicotine. Lindsay Lohan spoke out in favour of the move. She says she was allowed cigarette breaks when she was at school, and it hasn’t done her any harm.
Kevin Rudd got into trouble for going to a New York strip club four years ago. At last! We’ve found a substantial difference between Kevin Rudd and John Howard. John Howard commented: It looks like interest rates aren’t the only thing that will rise under Kevin Rudd. Labor decided to run with some new slogans: Vote for Kevin: He’ll find the WMDs: they’ve got tassels on them. Kevin Rudd: He’s really happy to see you Australia. Julia Gillard has been upset though that every time she gets up to speak in Parliament, Kevin calls out “Show us your tits!” Mind you, he used to call out the same thing when Kim Beazley was leader.
The ABC has caused controversy by showing a documentary that claims that human caused climate change is a myth. They claim that scientists are just jumping on a band wagon to get research dollars. Of course we all know how keen governments worldwide are to fund research that will force them to give up their addiction to oil and fund renewable energy – it is just so obviously a sham! They say that global warming is a Left wing conspiracy. The thesis is that global warming is not human caused, but actually the result of alien abductions that have occurred since 1947 in Roswell in full knowledge of the US Government. Pollution is actually caused by the Smoking Man.
The horse flu caused all sorts of problems, with the horse racing industry unable to move their horses anywhere to prevent spreading the virus. I live in an area where there are a lot of horse owners, so they actually had police up at my local roundabout to prevent anyone moving any horses through the roundabout. And I tell you what, they were much more on the ball than those APEC cops. I was driving through there with my mother in law in the passenger seat, and they made me turn around and take her straight back home.
Joe Hockey commented that Unions have lost their way by getting involved in politics and should instead be providing services....heaven knows the Howard Government wouldn’t.
Children’s toy Bindeez Beads had to be recalled after it was discovered that when they are ingested, they turn into the drug GHB. So that’s why Ben Cousins has taken to playing with kids. The same toy company are planning on releasing a whole series of Irwin family toys including the Steve, that unfortunately jumps out and barbs you with a stingray tail when you ingest them.