There was a radio piece this morning about the satire industry in the US. According to the piece, up until recently the creative industries have all been dominated by left-leaning artists. Now there is a backlash and there are Republican satirists. As in satirists who are Republican-backers. That’s great I reckon because there should be wide political debate and I think one of the best, most inclusive ways to participate in debate is to engage in comedy.
But in all the clips they played, I noticed that the Democrats made jibes about politics or Bush’s ability to run the country, while the Republicans made lots of jokes about Bill Clinton having sex with lots of women. By all means, Monica jokes are funny, but surely there are some conservative jokes that can be made about politics. (Is “conservative joke” an oxymoron?). Maybe they’re being made, but I haven’t heard them.
Here are some suggestions to get you going, Tories...
Int: Mr Kerry, can you please tell us what your stance is on the health care system?
JFK: Well that’s a very good question and I thank you for asking it. You know, when I served in Vietnam, we had a saying amongst the troops and that saying was that we would always help each other out. What that meant was that if any soldier was injured, or even if they were dead, they were entitled to the best health care available. And I think that can be applied to our modern day politics too. All Americans, be they injured, sick, dead, or perfectly healthy should be entitled to the best possible health care at an affordable price.
Int: Dead people too?
JFK: Now that’s the sort of thing that I know my opponent George Bush will criticise me for. But why should our fellow Americans not be entitled to good health care just because they are dead? But that’s what we’ve come to expect from the Republicans. A lot of my brave, courageous, patriotic, fellow Vietnam veterans are dead, and George Bush has gone out of his way to exclude them from the health system.
Int: And fit and healthy people?
JFK: Well of course that’s the just sort of thing the Bush administration has gone out of its way to stop. They’re about excluding people, the Republicans. Let me tell you, in Vietnam, where I served my country honourably, we didn’t exclude anyone. But just look at the Florida elections. The Republican Party, working in unison with aliens from the planet Zorbatron and the FBI, excluded people who’d been to jail, they excluded people who looked like they’d been to jail, they excluded people who wore baseball caps, they excluded black people and they even excluded healthy, fit people from voting just because the Republicans knew that healthy, fit people always voted Democrat ever since Vietnam, where I served my country. And the Republicans have excluded healthy people from the health system too. Well it’s time for healthy people to stand up for their rights and demand proper health care. They need to stand up and be counted like we did in Vietnam in the 1970s. And under a John Kerry Presidency, they would get proper health care.
Int: Why do you think people should vote for you Mr Kerry?
JFK: Well, I served in ‘Nam and Paris Hilton is voting for me, so why not you?
Int: Paris Hilton?
JFK: Not just her, I’ve got a long list of people who are voting for me. Britney Spears, Hugh Heffner, Avril Lavigne, Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, Jewel, Krusty the Clown, the entire Simpson family: Homer, Jessica, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie, Steve Irwin, Boris Yeltsin, Mark Latham, Cartman from South Park, Batman, Kirsten Dunst, Anna Nicole Smith, the list goes on and on. All these ordinary Americans are voting for me because I stand for what they believe in. I believe in the rights of ordinary Americans. And that’s something that I learned a lot about when I was in Vietnam. I served alongside a lot of ordinary Americans in Vietnam and I came to believe in them during my time in Vietnam.
Int: What do you think about our involvement in Iraq?
JFK: Well let me just say that when 9/11 happened, I hadn’t been that concerned for the wellbeing of my fellow Americans since I was in Vietnam, watching my fellow Americans being shot at, and being shot at myself. But I think we all know that George Bush is only in Iraq because he has links with the Hussein family and he wanted their oil.
Int: I’m sorry, you’re saying Mr Bush has links with the Hussein family?
Where are you getting your evidence for this?
JFK: Well, Michael Moore said so in his documentary.
Int: And you think this was a thorough piece of journalism I take it?
JFK: Well obviously he forgot to mention that I had served in Vietnam, but apart from that, Michael Moore is my messiah. I love Michael Moore. He’s so wonderful and smart and brilliant and intelligent and he makes such incredibly truthful statements about the state our nation is in today.
There’s a start for you. In Australia I might suggest something like this as a starting point:
Maxine McEw: Good evening and welcome to ABC Radio around the country. Tonight we are having a forum to discuss the upcoming election and the issues that will be important to deciding your vote. Joining us in the studio we have the entire Labor Party frontbench as well as most of the backbenchers, New South Wales Premier Bob Carr, and Queensland Premier Peter Beattie. And from the conservative side of politics, we have George Brandis from the Liberal Party backbench, as well as Tim Costello, brother of Federal Treasurer Peter Costello. Representing the unimportant, insignificant parties, Andrew Bartlett has joined us but won’t be participating in the debate because his mouth has masking tape covering it with the slogan Free th’ Politicians written with mascara. Gentlemen, thanks for joining us this evening. If I could come to Mr Latham first, Mr Latham do you think it matters that there is a considerable age gap between yourself and Mr Howard?
Latham: Bloody oath Maxine. If ever there was a senile, demented, old, fuddy duddy smelly old man, it’s little jackboot Johnny. This is a bloody bloke who hasn’t had a new idea since he was Treasurer in the bloody 80s. This is a man who takes kero baths down at the local retirement village because he fancies the pretty young nurses down at the village. He’s past it Maxine, over the hill, long in the tooth, he may as well give up the ghost I reckon.
MM: Well speaking of young nurses Mr latham, what do you have to say about the rumours that you had an extra-marrital affair with a nurse at a retirement village?
ML: Oh excuse me Maxine, just wait a sec while I gather me thoughts Look I don’t think it’s very fair to start bringing up shit about when I was 9 years old. I mean this nurse, she was a good mate of mine and she was only 2 months old you know and I don’t think it’s fair to her to bring her into this. You know, I’ve got a family, with kids, and a wife, and a father and a mother, and I bloody love em.
MM: Well the allegations are that you had the affair in only the last couple of months Mr Latham.
ML: Oh, those allegations. Well Maxine I’ll be upfront with ya, ya know I’ve done quite a bit of rooting in my time. You know I like to slip it in from time to time. I think we all like a bit of funny business, we all like to play hide the sausage, a bit of afternoon delight, the occasional bit of hanky panky from time to time. I like to exercise the ferret just as much as the next bloke. You know I think any normal Aussie bloke likes to indulge in a bit of monkey business, a few extra-curricular activities, a bit of dipping the wick when he wants, and I’m no different and I make no bones about my boning. Maybe if Little Johnny wasn’t so busy biting the pillow with Dubya Dubya Bush, ya know maybe if these chocolate bandits got off each others’ arses once in a while, the country would be in a better state.
MM: Mr Latham what would you have done about Saddam Hussein?
ML: Well Maxine I reckon we shoulda increased our immigration programme so that Saddy took up the chance to get out here to Australia. Now I reckon he would have gone for a job as a cabbie straight away, cos that’s what all those Iraqis do when they get here, and if I’d ever got in his cab, I’d have given him a knuckle sandwich quicksmart. That woulda sorted im.
MM: So Mr Latham, does that mean you’re still in favour of increasing the immigration programme?
Kevin Rudd: Well no Maxine, Mark’s not saying....
ML: Oh shut up Kevo, yeah of course we are, It’s a new policy I’m announcing right now. I’ve given it a lot of thought on the trip over here in the taxi and I reckon what we need is more Ities, Huns, Krauts, Poms, Enzedders, Canucks, Chinks, Japs, Paddys and Pakis in this top country of ours. As of next year we’ll be assisiting people from other countries to come to Australia with financial help for anyone who wants to come help out in Australia.
MM: And how much money do you intend on dedicating to this?
ML: Well Maxine it’s a bit hard to get exact figures for anything at the moment cos we don’t have a Treasury Department, but I reckon, say, I dunno, maybe 7 billion dollars sounds like a good figure, whaddaya reckon Creany?
SC: Ahhhh yeaahh Mark, sounds good, I’ll just do the sums on that. So if I add 7 billion to 4 billion, that’s 10 billion dollars for our Immigration policies. Great.
KR: Umm Mark, I think that actually, it might be best to have a Caucus meeting before we make any final decisions about...
ML: Shut up Ruddso before I get browned off, go berko and knock your block off ya f**kin little piece of c**ty s**t.
MM: And Mr Latham are you planning on announcing an environment policy soon?
ML: Well Maxine we already have released our environment policy. Peter Garrett is now a member of the party.
MM: And what will he be doing?
ML: Mostly making coffee for the other frontbenchers, filing documents, and of course he’ll save the party heaps of moola whenever we have functions because we won’t have to hire a band.
MM: What about your Aboriginal affairs policy?
ML: Well I’ve already told you Maxine, Peter Garrett is a member of the party. That’s our policy on blackfellers. I promised my constituents that I would deliver on my promise to make Peter Garrett a member of the Labor Party and I have delivered on that policy. I feel Peter Garrett’s membership of the Labor Party is an important step towards reconciliation. About the only thing left after that is to tell em were sorry and then she should be right.
MM: Any policy statements from you Mr Garrett?
ML: No well I don’t think we’ll be getting into any of that sorta garbage Maxine.
MM: Well maybe Mr Garrett could reply?
PG: Maxine, the time has come to say fair’s fair, to pay the rent, to pay our share. The time has come, a fact’s a fact, it belongs to them, let’s give it back.
ML: Shut up ya pinko.
Something like that. I can only say this for Australia, but I dont think theres any real need to worry about satire being one-sided because I think the reason is just because satirists get more material out of the Government than they do out of the Opposition. If we had a left wing Government, we’d have more humour about them. Just think back to when Hawke and Keating were in power and all the cartoons taking the piss out of them. Not that Hawke and Keating could exactly be called left wing, but just right of centre is left in comparison to Howard.