As you can imagine, I’m not very comfortable with the fact that the only satire I’ve put up so far has been Right wing satire. What kind of a red-blooded Commy am I? Time to rectify that. As I said, I will be posting the occasional article I wrote for my University’s mag last year. This article is precisely one year old. (Americans won’t get the first half I’m afraid, but scroll down to the second half).
Do you have problems keeping your mouth shut? Ever accidentally revealed your plan to make a leadership challenge while someone who turned out to be from The Bulletin was in earshot?
Easy solved! Introducing a revolutionary new product: Reffo Lips: Just sew your lips together and you’ll never have that problem again!
Here’s what users of Reffo Lips have to say about our product:
CK: I had an affair with a senior government minister while I was a leader of a party that was supposed to be keeping the bastards honest. I felt really guilty about what I was doing to the nation, and even some fear that I might upset my husband. I contemplated confessing all. But thanks to Reffo Lips I never revealed anything and the public was successfully deceived that the minority parties are separate entities to Labor and Liberal! Then, for a while I stopped using Reffo Lips when I joined the Labor Party! It was a disaster! I ended up trashing everyone in my party and alienating everyone in it, and all the voters! Never again!
PR: I was in the process of winning an election based on a campaign of hate and intolerance. We told the Australian public that refugees were throwing themselves overboard trying to drown themselves. It was all going great and the polls soared ahead. Then disaster struck! We actually found photographic evidence that it hadn’t happened and the cildren overboard story was fabricated! But thanks to Reffo Lips nobody knew until after we’d won the election. I was so impressed I told all my friends in Woomera about it. They loved it!
If you need to cover something up, don’t just rely on your own abilities. Reffo Lips is a prven method of keeping things to yourself.
NEW!!!! Do you have problems with big, bushy eyebrows? Are they always getting in the way of seeing oncoming traffuc? Do you find that they get caught in your glasses and tug really painfully? Ouch! Well never fear, because now we bring you Howard Brows. From the makers of Reffo Lips and Howard Lips to Bush Arse Connector Glue comes a revolutionary new product.
Here’s the inventor of Howard Brows himself, Johnny Howard talking about how he came to invent Howard Brows:
I first thought of the invention when I was a kid hanging out the back steps of Parliament House waiting for Bobby Menzies to come out to meet all of us groupies. I never got to see much of him because all the girls were a lot taller than me and I found it hard to get his attention. But one thing I could alway see over the top of their heads as I jumped up and down in the crowd was the impressiveness of his eyebrows. He let me stroke them once. Ooooooh, that was a sexy experience. He even spoke dirty to me. Talked all about getting wet reading the White Australia Policy in the rain.
Through a careful strand by strand removal and trimming Howard Brows will have you looking sexier than any of your average Cabinet ministers in no time.
Here’s Johnny again: ‘Nobody can deny the unAustralianness of what Hitler did. But nor can they deny the sexy look of that toothbrush moustache. And it will look even greater sitting just above your eyes. You’ll be pulling the Aryan chicks in no time with Howard Brows.’
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And ring in the next fifteen minutes and we’ll throw in your choice of the “I Can’t Believe it’s Not a Dictator” range. Select from...
I Can’t Believe It’s Not George Bush!
Hmm, looks like George Bush. Whines like George Bush. Inhabits the Whitehouse just like George Bush used to. He even calls himself George Bush.
As soon as you install I Can’t Believe It’s Not George Bush in your Whitehouse, you’ll think you’re back in the early nineties. You won’t even notice the difference between I Can’t Believe It’s Not George Bush and the one we’ve all come to know and love. Just like the old George Bush, this almost exact replica declares war on Iraq and whomever takes his fancy this week, killing millions of innocent civilians, and then describes it as unfortunate collateral damage.
He’s arrogant like the old one. He’s a self-appointed police of the world, just like the real George Bush. He even wants to restrict your freedom of speech, and at the same time he wants to increase your right to own a gun and shoot anyone you want, just like the old George Bush.
Yes all the old paranoid delusions are there. And the blatant disregard for humanity has been beautifully reproduced in I Can’t Believe it’s Not George Bush. We’re confident you’ll feel just like the old days with I Can’t Believe It’s Not George Bush.
Or if Georgie Boy’s not to your taste, why not try...
I Can’t Believe It’s not Saddam Hussein!
The Americans have liberated Iraq from the terror regime of Saddam Hussein! But look who the Yanks are replacing him with!
Yes, just when the Iraqis thought it was safe to come out of the cupboard, along comes another Iraqi dictator who doesn’t give a rat’s arse about his people. But the great advantage to I Can’t Believe It’s Not Saddam Hussein is that unlike the real Saddam Hussein, this guy lets the Americans exploit Iraq’s vast oil sources! He even has the US stamp of approval that guarantees you that if there are any reports of things changing in Iraq, you can get your money back, no questions asked!
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Saddam Hussein has dodgy qualifications to be running a country, just like the real one. He has secret maniacal desires to blow up the world and is getting training from the Americans on how to do this as we speak. He even takes almost every US dollar of aid for himself instead of delivering it to the people of Iraq. Ahh, it’s good to be in a world that doesn’t have to change isn’t it!
But most importantly, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Saddam Hussein is well capable of pretending to the outside world that everything’s okay now that the war has been “won”, so you can rest easy in your comfortable Western living rooms, sitting in front of widescreen televisions and surround sound stereo systems, and completely forget about the existence of Iraq and its impoverished people. Yes I Can’t Believe It’s Not Saddam Hussein guarantees no more annoying distractions from thinking about yourself and your terrible circumstances in the West.
So come on, buy the dictator that already has the Iraqis saying “man, he’s so violent, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Saddam Hussein”.
And lastly..
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Monica Lewinsky
He may call himself John Howard. He may be Australian. But just like Monica Lewinsky, he spends most of his time bending over to kiss something in the US President’s pants.
So call now because these won’t last long!