So where do you reckon John Howard is now? Working for the dole? Or in a nursing home getting a kerosene bath? I like to think he’s in a nursing home. I reckon he’d enjoy the games there. He’d love a bit of bridge, a bit of scrabble, bit of chess. Reckon he’d love a bit of chess, John Howard. Only problem with playing chess against John Howard is any time you try and take one of his pieces, he’d just excise that part of the board. And if you had the white pieces, and he had the black pieces, you’d try and take one of his pieces, he’d just put it straight back on the board and deny that any of the whites have ever taken any of the blacks ever.

On November 24 2007, John Howard’s reign came to an end. As Howard drove his limousine out of the Lodge and into the Centrelink office to collect the dole, he cheered the Labor Party’s decision to bring back unfair dismissal laws and immediately filed a claim himself against the voters of Australia.

He was the Prime Minister of Australia for 11 long years and tonight we look back at the contribution he and his Government have made to the country, particularly for comedians, who are mourning the loss of one of their greatest sources of amusement.

Malcolm Fraser was famous for saying “life wasn’t meant to be easy”, but it took the Howard Government to make sure that it wasn’t.

John Howard was famous for saying in 1987 that what unites us is more important than what divides us. Unless you’re a conservative Government trying to win an election, in which case divisive issues like race, refugees and terrorism are very important all of a sudden.

When it came to international relations, John Howard really put Australia on the map. People previously didn’t even want to know where it was, now they want to know where it is so they can bomb it.

Howard entered us into a new era in foreign relations, finally ending Robert Menzies’ over dependence on Britain and replacing it with an over dependence on the US. Though his push to have the national anthem changed to God Save the President of the USA was knocked back.

Howard accused Left wing historians of taking a black armband view. Howard believed we should learn about proud moments in Australian history like when Robert Menzies gave Aboriginal people the right to vote for which rich white man would force them to live on missions. Or when Australia became a Federation and immediately passed the White Australia Policy with unanimous approval.

He had critics when it came to education but many people didn’t realise that John Howard agreed that education is an investment in the economy of the future…so why spend it on dumbarse working class people? There’s no use to having intelligent toilet cleaners is there? Or why spend on indigenous education? You don’t need brains to become a hunter gatherer in the desert do you.

John Howard actually had an under-recognised interest in early childhood education too. He even opened special high security refugee childcare centres at Baxter, Woomera and even Nauru. The army supervised them while they learned to swim out on the ocean and they learned craft activities like lip sewing.

Looking back over the years, in 2001, when the Northern Territory Government introduced mandatory sentencing, John Howard refused to override the policy becase he said he didn’t believe in intervening in affairs of the States. Geez, if only John Howard had been Prime Minister in 2007, we might not have had the Northern Territory intervention.

In 2003, Jeanette Howard spoke openly for the first time about her fight with cervical cancer. She said it wasn't a big deal to her since she's endured nasty invasive cells near her cervics for several years....every time she and John procreated.

In 2004, Australians showed incredible generosity towards the victims of the Tsunami. What would be better is if we could stop Amanda Vanstone from diving into the Indian Ocean in the first place.

2005 was the year in which Tony Abbott reconsidered his views on abortion after he discovered that he was the father of a Labor-voting member of the ABC staff, but then changed his mind back when it turned out the child was fathered by someone else and the woman was just one of these money-grubbing single mothers he has always loathed after all.

In 2006, John Howard celebrated 10 years in Government with a whirlwind tour of several countries around the globe, though Peter Costello was disappointed to see that neither Iraq or Afghanistan were included in the PM’s itinerary. During the flight over to Canada, John Howard threw his children overboard, refused to say sorry to his wife and blamed the whole thing on a previous generation of refugees. But he promised he’d never ever do it again.

And then came the year Kevin07. John Howard marked the 10th anniversary of the Stolen Generation report by holding a party to celebrate the achievements of the policy and on the 40th anniversary of the 1967 referendum on Aboriginal citizenship, he participated in a march across Sydney Harbour Bridge to protest against the lunacy of granting citizenship to fauna.

In his final year, John Howard launched an intervention into the Northern Territory…but was embarrassed when it turned out even after a thorough search, they didn’t have any WMDs either.

In late 2007, Jindalee State School newsletter reported that the Student Representative Council had failed to raise enough money from its lamington drive. And in a last bid effort to win the 2007 election, the Howard Government announced it would intervene and take over the student body’s lamington drives from then on.

And as the end drew nigh, the final election campaign started out nasty with the Liberals’ ad revealing that 70% of Labor’s front bench are former Union workers, and another Labor ad revealing that 70% of the Liberals’ front bench are current day f**kwits. In addition to revelaing Labor’s Union links, the Liberals put out equally surprising revelations that Kevin Rudd wears glasses and that Peter garret is a sellout. As well as revealing the 70% scary ex-Unionists, the Libs revealed that the remaining 30% of Labor are made up of vampires, bogeymen and bunyips.

And the Good news?

John Howard is not the Prime Minister of Australia!

And that’s the good news! Cheers!

11 years in 11 seconds

1. Funding cuts to the ABC characterised the 11 years Howard was in office. Richard Alston criticised the ABC for being too left wing. True. But it would take the entire armies of Stalin and Lenin to counter the right wing bias of Channels Nine, Ten and Seven. Howard also set about making sure the ABC was more balanced by appointing people like Keith Windschuttle and Janet Albrechtsen to the board. Genghis Khan did apply to the board, but was rejected because of suspected communist leanings. Windschuttle did have some effect on the ABC, with several programs being made more balanced. 4 Corners was changed to 2 Corners in order to cut off the left side, Behind the News became Behind the PM All The Way, and Play School only received funding if it had a flagpole with an Australian flag and sang the national anthem at the start of each episode.

1. Labor immigration spokesperson Tony Burke called for an end to the death penalty in Asia. The Government responded that it opposed the death penalty except for terrorists, mass murderers and African refugees. Fortunately the Government found a way to make sure Sudanese got the death penalty: we just cut the number of refugees allowed to leave the Sudan. Kevin Andrews announced we would no longer be accepting African refugees. He said the African population have been slow to integrate...which surprises me, because, as they’re used to slavery, I would have thought they shouldn’t have had a problem with WorkChoices.

1. The Howard Government suggested Australia should start using nuclear power to overcome the problems with fossil fuels. It was all part of Costello’s drive for more productivity. His plan was to have as many babies born near the plant as possible so there’d be more Australians born with a third arm or gills so they could be more productive in the workplace. The Government also floated suggestions that Australia should accept the world’s nuclear waste to bury it for profit. Although they insisted it’s perfectly safe, the Government agreed the waste will have to be buried nowhere near major cities, which would also be great for remote aboriginal communities who could strengthen their connection with the land by getting jobs as the people who’d be burying the waste directly beneath their own sacred sites, which should add a certain luminous glow to the areas to attract tourists.

1. The Government announced sweeping changes to industrial relations law, launching a new multi-million dollar advertising campaign to promote WorkChoices. Church groups criticised the legislation, saying it would cause families to spend less time together…but Howard said that his mother and father hardly ever saw him when he was a child, and he still ended up a caring, compassionate, well-rounded individual. Howard denied that abolishing unfair dismissal laws would cause any problems, because he said there’s nothing unfair about sacking someone when you’ve got good reasons like they’re a poofter or black. Howard says he doesn’t know why everyone is saying it will cause lower wages…all his mates down at the BHP Billiton board of directors are on much higher wages since the legislation came in.

1. In 2003, John Howard signed an historic free trade agreement with the United States. Free trade will be great for Australian businesses. We just have to take a more liberal attitude to our definition of Australian so that it means..welll…American. The agreement has made way for Australian businesses to make money, like Rupert Murdoch’s Fox Network and movies starring Australian actors like Russell Crowe in American Gangster and Guy Pearce in LA Confidential. We also signed a free trade agreement with Italy, where Australia did get the better end of the deal. The Italians send us pizza, we sent them Amanda Vanstone.

1. John Howard announced he would be taking over indigenous communities in the Northern Territory, outlining his view that child sexual abuse in an election year is totally unacceptable. Mr Howard said action was needed when Aboriginal parents were not feeding their children, not sending them to school, and in some cases, even throwing them overboard. The Government was aware of the problem before from several previous reports, but John Howard was surprised to learn that the previous policy of doing absolutely nothing hadn’t worked. Howard abolished the land permit system to remove the limits on who came onto their land because after all, why should Aboriginals have the right to decide who comes to their land and the circumstances in which they come? Critics said that abolishing the land permit system would allow the grog runners and drug dealers to gain easier access to Aboriginal land, but Mr Howard responded that it was all about the communities getting industry and as proof he said it’s fantastic that Carlton United Breweries, British Petroleum and UHU Glue have all announced they think they could set up business in remote indigenous communities quite successfully. Howard also offered rural Aboriginals the chance to buy their own homes if they lease their land back to the Government for 99 years, an idea suggested by ALP President Warren Mundine. Mundine said Aboriginal policies for too long had been driven by city blackfellers and intellectuals. Now, by following Mundine’s ideas, they’ll be led by a city blackfeller who’s a dumbarse instead! When asked how people living in poverty were going to be able to afford their own homes, Mundine said he was still in touch with his spiritual beliefs and that the Rainbow Serpent will come and magically build them all houses. And John Howard said if that didn’t work, they could get nuns to come in and build the houses and they could educate the children while they’re at it.

1. Dr Mohammed Haneef was jailed for being in the same family as a terrorist. Unfortunately they had to release Dr Haneef as a jury determined there was insufficient evidence to prove he is a terrorist. So instead, Kevin Andrews decided to seek a second opinion by releasing the insufficient evidence to the media. When Haneef returned home to his wife and child immediately upon release, Andrews commented that he considered haneef;’s departure as highly suspicious. This explains how Kevin Andrew, as Workplace Relations Minister came up with WorkChoices in the first place – Kevin found it highly suspicious that people didn’t want to stay at work all day so they could return home to their families. In fact kevin’s next Woekchoices plan was to force everyone to wear Guantanamo orange to work and be subjected to torture. Then he realised that as most workplaces have 97.3 on all day, workers are already subjected to torture.

1. David Hicks pleaded guilty to providing material support for terrorism and having dinner with Brian Burke. The Americans apologised for having taken so long to bring Hicks to trial but they say he had been stubbornly insisting on pleading not guilty, which they saw as a clear obstacle to being able to provide him with a fair trial. After Hicks pleaded guilty, he was forced to reappear 3 days later to explain what exactly he was pleading guilty to. Apparently the Americans didn’t know either, but the prtosecution sure was relieved that Hicks could explain it, cos they had no idea.
   David Hicks expressed concern that he wouldn’t be able to get a job in Australia when he was released from prison, but Peter Costello has suggested Hicks could fly John Howard’s plane on flights to New York.

1. Australia expressed fears about Iran developing nuclear power in case they use it to develop nuclear weapons, while many expressed concerns about Australia developing nuclear weapons in case they used it to create nuclear power.

1. Howard introduced a citizenship test, to ensure that immigrants would have to adopt the Australian way of life like playing wobbleboards, glassing women in the face and tackling stingrays. Petro Giorgio criticised the Government’s new English test for migrants. Pauline Hanson sat the test but struggled with questions like “Are you xenophobic?”. So on the plus side, Pauline Hanson would be deported!

1. Amanda Vanstone came up with a rather novel solution to the refugee problem: Deport Australians! Australian resident Cornelia Rau was held in Baxter detention centre for 10 months. The government liked to determine who comes here and the circumstances in which they come. Apparently out of a womb just wasn’t good enough. Amanda Vanstone said it was understandable that authorities would think Rau was an unlawful citizen because she spoke German so that they couldn’t understand her and suffered from a mental illness. Come to think of it, a woman who speaks gibberish and is crazy sounds like a pretty apt description of Amanda Vanstone.
   

2. The Howard government announced plans to excise the nation’s borders from the migration zone in an attempt to prevent any asylum-seekers who had passed through other countries on their way here from being processed onshore in Australia. Aboriginal leaders have said they only wish their forebears had thought of the same thing 200 years ago when those pesky convicts turned up asking for protection from the British. “Sorry guys, we’d love to let you in but it looks like you made a stop in the Cook Islands first so you’ll have to apply for colonisation there. So now that the beaches are no longer part of Australia’s migration zone, presumably the Lebanese who were attacked on Cronulla’s beaches actually have left Australia and gone home.

3. In 2004, Howard brought an end to indigenous self-determination when he abolished ATSIC because he said they’d become unrepresentative and corrupt..so they must have learned well from the Howard Government.

1. Education Minister Julie Bishop suggested Australia should adopt performance pay for teachers. Workplace Relations Minister Kevin Andrews also suggested we should adopt performance pay for politicians, but had to abandon that idea when he realised that would mean they’d all be earning more on the dole. Julie Bishop also called for a national curriculum to make sure that all Australian kids were learning the same content. For instance, children around the country would learn the same maths problems like If there are 26 people in a boat, and 5 of those are refugees who have children on board, how many elections can a conservative Government win by playing the race card?

During the break, former Environment Minister Malcom Turnbull welcomed reports of rising sea levels, saying if we can get them to rise high enough, we just might be able to fill the Murray Darling basin.

Song Articulate

1. Reconciliation got put back on the agenda with John Howard expressing his desire to have the Constitution officially recognise Aborigines’ right to live in poverty. John Howard also offered to mention Aborigines in the preamble to his own biography so that they’d be mentioned in 2 books that no one’s ever read.

Mal Brough said “University students might want it, but the people I speak to on the ground don’t want an apology”…. but what they do want passionately out at Mutijulu is to be mentioned in the preamble to the Constitution.

2. John Howard surprised many when he allowed a referendum on a republic to go ahead. John became in favour of a Republic when he was told that all that would change is that we would replace the Governor General with a President...only John thought that when they said President, they meant George W Bush, who is after all, John Howard’s favourite Republican.

During the break, Malcom Turnbull welcomed reports that global warming is causing an increase in the size of the world’s deserts..it gives him more sand to bury his head in.

Riff

1. Qantas was sold off as part of a new arrangement to ensure good telecommunications services for the bush following the Telstra sale: any time you want to make a phone call from the bush, Qantas will fly you into the city where you can use a payphone. The Government passed legislation that allowed them to sell off Telstra. But Barnaby Joyce made Peter Costello promise that he wouldn’t sell it off until bush people could get equal access to being overbilled and then put on hold for 5 hours by a voice recognition system. CEO Sol Trujillo pledged a revolutionary plan to improve bush telecommunications services in preparation for the sale, by teaming up with Heinz to provide every bush household with an aluminium can and some string. When asked about bush services, John Howard said “it is very important that bush has good telecommunications services because how else am I supposed to keep up a relationship with someone in Washington?”. In 1997, Howard said he was selling off Telstra because it would ensure better services for the bush. And hasn’t that worked out well.

1. Tony Abbott accused unemployed people of being job snobs who were too fussy about what job they’ll do. They should take a leaf out of the book of talkback radio host Alexander Downer, who obviously doesn’t care whether he’s in Government or Opposition. He’s just happy to be the member for Mayo. Tony Abbott argued for the Work For the Dole scheme which involves no education programs but instead “helps unemployed people readjust to the routines and demands of the labour market”. Yes break their spirit til they’ll take any job and work as a slave. Instead of getting training or education, unemployed people had to make time for work for the dole projects giving them valuable skills like weeding and cleaning graffiti. So without re-education, people had to go hunting for jobs that required no qualifications: like Minister for Workplace Relations.

Scattergories

Howard created controversy when he spent millions on upgrading Kirribilli so he could live there, but he did make one saving by replacing the usual fire-starting devices with old people drenched in kerosene.

Controversy over the inquiry into the Government’s knowledge of embezzled funds from the Australian Wheat Board. John Howard, as several other ministers appeared at the inquiry, insisting they had no recollection of the memos they had signed detailing the embezzlements. Gee a 64 year old man with the memory of a goldfish...just as well he’s not doing an important job like running the country or something. Bronwyn Bishop and Peter Costello have both been seen scouting old folks’ homes for little Johnny since his memory lapses, but they’re still yet to find one that uses good quality kero.

During the break, Malcolm Turnbull said he believed the Government should have protected Tasmania’s old growth forests. After all, where else are we going to get all our good quality furniture from?

Giving Headline

Bishop and the cloth: Uniforms the great leveller

1. Bronwyn Bishop called for a banning of Muslim headscarves in state primary schools because they prevent schoolgirls wearing uniforms. Bishop said uniforms are a great leveller, and besides which she wasn’t nearly as turned on by the hijab as she was by schoolgirls in uniforms. Brendan Nelson echoed Bishop’s Islamophobia when he said it was time that we started teaching Australian values in Muslim schools. Peter Costello suggested teaching values like allegiance to the American flag and a fair go for all rich people. Nelson suggested we could get Aussie icons to come in and teach the children, like the Sydney Bulldogs could teach the kids about respect for women, Amanda Vanstone could teach them about care and compassion and John Howard could teach them about core and non-core honesty.

Abbott fears human animal hybrids

2. What do you get when you cross John Howard and a rat? Still John Howard. Tony Abbott said he feared scientists might breed mutants with special powers like Magneto or Quicksilver from The X Men’s Evil Brotherhood of Mutants. But on the plus side, if they did, scientists could also breed a race of superturtles with special ninja powers and the guidance of a sensei rat. John Howard and Australian Catholics spoke out against plans to use human stemcells for cancer research, saying you shouldn’t just rescue human beings that are going to be thrown in the bin anyway: that’d be like giving CPR to a homosexual, or condoms to an African.

Movie Pictionary

1. Howard changed the skilled migrants program so that it was more important for migrants to have English ability than what their qualification is. This had the positive that we had migrants like Dr Death..sure he was incompetent, but at least he could tell you that in a well phrased, perfectly articulated English sentence.

2. Peter Costello. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. The nation was shocked to learn that John Howard went back on a promise he made to Costello to hand over the Prime ministership one and half terms in. The nation was equally shocked about a scientific discovery that the day time sky is blue. Thousands were hospitalised today when they were physically and emotionally overwhelmed by the fact the sun had risen YET AGAIN! The four horsemen of the apocalyse are expected soon.

Warren/Johnny

Johnny said “Marriage, as we understand it in our society, is about children, having children, raising them, providing for the survival of the species."

Johnny and Costello publicy reject gay marriage

Answer: John Howard

Howard blocked gay marriage from becoming legalised because gay couples don’t reproduce. If only we could say the same of John Howard’s parents. The Howard Government stepped in to stop the ACT from passing laws that would allow gay civil unions in the nation’s capital. Howard hates the idea of gay civil unions and wants them replaced with gay civil individual agreements in which gay people negotiate conditions like higher sequin pay. But Barnaby Joyce is concerned that the new agreements don’t guarantee traditional public holidays like Mardi Gras and Judy Garland’s birthday. Howard says the idea of not allowing people to marry but giving them all the same rights is like saying to someone they didn’t get the right tertiary entrance score but you’re going to let them do the course anyway. Funny, I thought if you had the money that was Howard’s policy on higher education.

Johnny said there would always be people who make choices that make them live in poverty because quote “we can’t stop people drinking, we can’t stop people gambling, and we can’t stop people having substance problems”.

Johnny expressed concern that too many people were reciving money from the Government.

Answer: Tony Abbott

After expressing concern that too many people were receiving money from the government, like carers and people with disabilities, the 2002 Budget proposed measures to try to stop people with disabilities from receiving benefits. And if that didn’t work Tony Abbott personally came around and tipped you out of your wheelchair and told you to get up and walk….which coincidentally was also his health care policy for working class people who tried to claim Medicare. As a result of the measures, Abbott likened himself to Jesus because of his miraculous ability to get rid of someone’s disability.

Abbott explained that there would always be people who make choices that make them live in poverty because quote “we can’t stop people drinking, we can’t stop people gambling, and we can’t stop people having substance problems”. Presumably because that would be too paternalistic. Instead we should quarantine their salaries, send in the army and force their children to have sexual health checks.

Tony forced single parents off welfare too because they should get out and do proper work, not just easy stuff like raising the kids.

Johnny said “As a bloke, I'd like shaving cream exempt, but I'm not expecting it to be.
Johnny said “Condoms prevent illness. I wasn't aware that menstruation was an illness.

Johnny under pressure over pharmaceutical industry dealings

Answer: Michael Wooldridge

Michael Wooldridge created controversy with the GST when he wanted to include tampons as a luxury item. That’s because Johnny thinks that periods are something that have only happened as a result of women entering the workforce. He has seen tampons before, but he thought they were just some sort of special shellfish like oysters and he was amazed by how well they soak up sea water though they didn’t really have a salty taste. Johnny became absolutely certain that they were a luxury item when he overheard a certain phone conversation between Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles.

Johnny said “if people don't want to be Australians and they don't want to live by Australian values and understand them, well then they can basically clear off.

Johnny refuses to rule out teaching of intelligent design

Readin’, writin’ and right-wing politics — values teaching, Johnny-style

Answer: The next Prime Minister of Australia, Brendan Nelson

Brendan Nelson refused to rule out the teaching of intelligent design in schools. Intelligent design theory postulates that only an intelligent being could posibly have created the Earth and its creatures. Obviously, Brendan Nelson is an exception to this rule.

Lyrics

1. Brendan Nelson announced that the Government would make more efforts to recruit new members for the armed forces. Peter Costello suggested families should now have 4 children: 1 for Mum, 1 for Dad, 1 for the country and 1 for the army. And if we declare war on Lebanon, we’d be able to get hundreds of recruits from Cronulla.

1. Howard made changes to cross media ownership laws leading to a plethora of views from those of James Packer to Kerry Packer to Kerry Stokes to Rupert Murdoch to Lachlan Murdoch. The list goes on.

So what of the future for Australia? With the departure of John Howard many are worried that their safety will not be protected and have started huddling around their fridges, clutching their little fridge magnets.

Left wing political satirists, if you’ll forgive the tautology, have gone into panic mode with the threat of an end to the Howard Bush era. Many are having to rework themselves into right wingers with a whole series of racist, sexist, homophobic jokes in order to take the mickey out of the new Government. So in other words, Fatty Vautin and the Footy Show are the new Chaser.

But Howard has moved on. He has begun a new career as a public speaker and has been asked to comment on various current events. As Pakistan’s President Musharraf suspended the Constitution and made himself President until further notice, John Howard simply commented “If only we’d thought of that”.

Howard backed forking millions into research into coal sequestration which would allow us to bury all our mistakes underground: let’s start with John Howard sequestration.

And so we leave you with the news that Peter Costello has reiterated his inspirational plea to Australians “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask how many babies you can have for your country”.

And a message from our sponsors: Good things happen when bad people do nothing.