We’re doing it tough, with the rising price of petrol, groceries, housing. We’re doing it tough…. here in the heated, carpeted bedroom the size of a double garage, pissing our pay up against a wall. Some middle class families are doing it so tough this winter that all we have to warm ourselves with is the lights of our widescreen plasma screen TVs. Other families without TV sets have had to resort to taking trips to the Caribbean over the Australian winter to keep warm. But fortunately we’ve got Brendan Nelson offering us 5 cents off the price of petrol. Woohooo! 5 cents! I could buy a 6th of a Chupa Chup with that! Or I could cut the price of petrol by taking public transport once in a while. And Brendan could help out by knocking 5 cents off the price of a bus ticket too. Or another suggestion for cutting down how much you spend on petrol…if you’re taking your 10 year old son to soccer on the weekend: you probably don’t need to take a 4WD! The streets of Brizzy are fairly well bitumenned: you probably don’t need a bl**dy Landrover! Another suggestion: if you’re visiting your next door neighbour for a party or something: you probably don’t need to drive round there. No wonder we’ve become the fattest country on earth: in other countries they’re going to the gym: they’re doing weights, hopping on the treadmill, pushing hard on the leg machines…in Australia” Ahh yeah we’re pushing hard on the accelerator!
Overseas, Bali Bombing mastermind Amrozi took a second wife in jail. Obviously he needs 74 virgins.
A study has shown that Australian men are doing more housework and as a result getting more sex. Now that men are joining women in doing the cooking and dishes, women don’t even have to leave the kitchen to get barefoot and pregnant.
US Governor Elliott Spitzer resigned after it was revealed he’s been hiring hookers. I guess he wasn’t doing enough housework. We also couldn’t help noticing that as soon as we in Australia heard about Spitzer and his hookers that Kevin Rudd planned his first return visit to New York since the trip to the strip club.
Since going into Opposition, the Liberals have changed a little. They backed the end of WorkChoices, the apology, and signing the Kyoto protocol. Now that John Howard’s gone, they’ve got no one to come up with any policy ideas, so they’re just copying Kevin’s ideas instead. In fact, many of the Liberal party are still in denial and keep thinking that the little bald bloke with glasses calling himself Prime Minister still is John Howard.
But it is a new dawn and WorkChoices is dead. But the Liberals have warned it will lead to job losses. Yes, 8 Yes. Yes. 8 year olds who want to earn 5 cents an hour will now have to travel to India to get a job.
The Pacific Solution is dead. Yes after Australia excised its own borders under Howard, Kevin Rudd re-invaded Australia and took over the coastline, taking it back from…we’re not quite sure who. Rudd has announced that refugees kept in detention will now be kept for a maximum of 2 weeks…though he didn’t comment on whether he’ll continue the Vanstone practice of locking up and deporting Australians.
In Britain, Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s approval rating fell so low, Brendan Nelson might even have a chance of beating him.
Back here and Kevin Rudd signed both Kyoto and an historic deal to help the Murray Darling basin. The Liberals criticised him, saying it was unnecessary because with the rising sea levels caused by global warming, the Liberals say if we can get them to rise high enough, we just might be able to fill the Murray Darling basin.
VB offered a competition to win 30 minutes with Shane Warne. 30 whole minutes? Jeez, he must like a lot of foreplay.
Kevin Rudd finally apologised to the Stolen Generations. After saying sorry, the Aboriginals responded with an expression of thanks, after which John Howard commented it was about time those Aborigines were thankful for something. Brendan Nelson also surprised by saying sorry. His apology speech seemed to amount to “Sorry we didn’t steal more of your children.” Nelson said that everyone in the Liberal Party knows what it feels like to lose a father, ever since they lost John Howard at the last election. Tony Abbott objected to the word “Stolen” because he said it was offensive to some church groups to call them stolen. Fair enough. We should be more accurate. How about Kidnapped?
In Hollywood, TV production was brought to a grinding halt when the writers went on strike. This would never have happened under John Howard. He would have employed a bunch of scab writers from the Middle East to be trained up by the Army and sent in.
While Environment Minister Penny Wong has started setting up an emissions trading scheme, the Liberals have said it’s all going too fast. The Liberals say there are positives to global warming. For instance, they have welcomed reports that global warming is causing an increase in the size of the world’s deserts..it gives them more sand to bury their heads in. Other positives include ocean views for residents of Alice Springs.
Dick Cheney visited Palestine and in spite of the US’s usual support for Israel, he committed to the creation of a Palestinian state and said they will set up a Palestinian state just as soon as they can find a suitable place on Mars for the Palestinians.
Ray Martin resigned from Channel Nine. You know things are getting bad when Ray Martin resigns over the falling standards in journalism.
Right wing commentators criticised Kevin Rudd for reinstating the permit system that gives Northern Territory Aboriginals the right to decide who comes onto their land. After all why should Aboriginal people have the right to decide who comes to their land and the circumstances in which they come?
Brendan Nelson promised that the Liberal Party would never build a nuclear power plant. Is that never ever Brendan?
Peter Garrett surprised by allowing the Gunns company to create their pulp mill in Tasmania’s old growth forests. But he said that protecting Tasmania’s old growth forests is still a priority. After all, where else are we going to get all our good quality furniture from?
Cartoons
World Catholic Youth Day hit Sydney, for some reason lasting a week. Apparently Catholics aren’t very good at telling the time. Thousands of young Catholics descended upon Sydney for a week of parties and celebrations. It was just like Schoolies, but without the drinking or the sex…so really nothing like Schoolies at all. The NSW Government put in new regulations to make it illegal for anyone to annoy or inconvenience Catholics attending the event. So there went all my plans to steal all the altar wine and get pissed before communion. Apparently it was also inconvenient and annoying to steal the Pope’s hat and tease him by playing keepings off. Or indeed to point at him in the Popemobile yelling out “Look! it’s the Boy in the Bubble”. But the police said they weren’t expecting any problems from protestors and the only need for the water cannons was when the Catholics decided to hold a mass baptism. The NSW Government did consider putting in laws to stop Catholics from annoying or inconveniencing anyone else, but that would have meant that George Pell would have had to take a vow of silence. This was proven when the Pope apologised to those sexually abused by priests, only to have Pell comment that in doing so, the Pope had touched many people. Meanwhile the Pope arrived for the event. Was anyone else concerned about a large gathering of people who hang pictures of a Jewish man being tortured to death in their homes being organised by a former member of the Hitler Youth? The Government said the event would help bring in tourists and they launched a new slogan “Where the Bloody Heaven Are Ya?”
Robert Mugabe was returned as Zimbabwean President in a one man election. George W Bush described it as a sham election…and he should know.
While Kevin Rudd talked of improving public transport and investing in green cars, Brendan Nelson offered to fix global warming by cutting the price of petrol. I’m actually glad to have a Government that is investing in green cars and alternative fuels: cos the only problem with green cars at the moment is they cost like $80 000. If only we had Brendan Nelson as PM, he’d knock 5 cents off the price of a green car and we could all afford one!
The Labor Party announced that they would not abolish the baby bonus because it sends an important social message but they would start means testing it. Which sends an important social message that only bogans should be reproducing. Like they need the bl**dy encouragement! Channel Ten have applauded the measure as without more bogans being churned out they’d have no one for future series of Big Brother.
Brendan Nelson’s approval rating fell as low as 7%. Now if they could only have got the GST that low, we might not have kicked them out in the first place.
Things haven’t gone well for Hillary Clinton. Bill Clinton has been a bit of a deadweight around her neck and she had to start distancing herself from him. You knew things weren’t going well when Hillary had to deny ever having had sexual relations with that man. Some are worried that because of his name, people will confuse Barack Obama as being a terrorist. But most Americans were far more worried about Al Gore being a terrorist because he shared his first name with Al Qaeda. It certainly is the election for minority groups in the US with the election now coming down to a battle between their first black candidate and their first geriatric candidate. However, John McCain’s campaign has already suffered one setback…George W Bush has endorsed him. Although no one’s really sure if he really understood what he was doing…er a journo asked him to say what he thinks of McCain and Bush simply said “McCain….good packaged frozen vegetables”.
A Henson exhibition of photographs caused controversy earlier this year, but at least it wasn’t as controversial as their earlier plans to have a Jim Henson exhibition featuring photographs of a naked young Big Bird and Snufflupagus.
The Labor Party have gone into a panic after winning the last election, and realising they’re going to have to actually govern now. So Kevin sent all his ministers out on a mission to visit all primary schools with the message “Go to the schools. There must be someone out there who knows how to run one of these Government thingys.” That failed, so he held a community forum to which he invited members of the general public to give their ideas for the country, but the only people who turned up were Paul Keating, Brian Burke and a bunch of bogans who reckoned Jennifer Hawkins was an excellent choice as Deputy Prime Minister. Then there was the 2020 Summit where a list of Australia’s top minds was compiled to come together. Top of the list: Brendan Nelson. Which doesn’t say a lot for the country. There was the surprising omission of Kyle Sandilands and of Andrew Bolt. And there was one uninvited guest at the Summit. Some little nerdy bloke who kept banging on about his idea of something called an AWA. The delegates met over one weekend in Canberra with the people with the top 3 ideas to go and battle it out on Sale of the Century. Channel Ten put in a bid to host the Summit but Rudd didn’t like the idea of calling the Summit “Australia’s Top Ideas hosted by Sandra Sully”. The Summit came up with several great ideas with the best one coming from Creative Australia: axe Big Brother!
Like a Version
Kevin Rudd & Brendan Nelson signed Oxfam Australia’s petition to close the life expectancy gap between mainstream and Aboriginal Australians. They can’t actually think of a way to raise Aboriginal life expectancy, so they’re just going to start killing off white people while they’re young instead.
Australia’s Tourism Minister said that Baz Luhrmann’s new film “Australia: The Musical” would promote Australia to the world and encourage them to see other less publicised things of Australia. As is Luhrmann’s trademark, the film will feature well known pop songs. The musical will feature Pauline Hanson doing a song about Asian immigrants, a version of Coldplay's Yellow, Belinda Neal will be doing a version of Eye of The Tiger, Shane Warne will sing Girls Girls Girls!
Mime
John Howard’s house was broken into by burglars and jewellery was stolen.
They didn’t find anything because Kevin Rudd already broke in and stole all his policies last year.
A magician broke a world record by holding his breath for 17 minutes whilst appearing on the Oprah Winfrey show. Blaine's previous stunts included staying in a see-through coffin for a week, although he said that was not nearly as harrowing as having to meet Oprah.. He perfected the art of holding his breath by calling up Telstra and whenever they’d say “Please hold” and he thought they meant his breath.
A sorcerer in Africa got in trouble for shrinking people’s penisses and for using magic to steal penisses. ..which explains where the dick came from that is now stuck to Wayne Carey’s head. Holly wood is already making a movie: Harry Potter and the Shrinking Penis of Azkaban. But the question is how did the penisses get Hogwarts.
A black civil rights activist is fighting to close a store selling KKK robes and racist t-shirts. But the owner of The Redneck Shop, a Mr John Howard said he has the right to operate it. John Howard defended his shop Saying that while some of the items had been stolen from black people, it was only things they didn’t need any more, like land permits, doctors, and their children.
Bozo the Clown passed away in July. George W Bush is already looking for a new chief adviser to replace him.
Edmund Hillary passed away, 20 odd years after his climbing mate Tenzing. For years there has been speculation over who made it to the summit of Everest first, but one thing’s for sure: Tenzing certainly won the race to get six feet under the ground.
Barack Obama expressed relief at Hillary’s death, saying he didn’t think he could have beaten her in the Presidential race.
The sad news that Heath Ledger has passed away. The good news is it’s fantastic publicity for the new Dark Knight film. And Woman’s Day haven’t sold this many copies since Princess Diana died. The thing I love was the maid who found Heath. When confronted with an emergency, she immediately leaped into action and called….the Olsen twins, instead of the cops. You know, I’d love to see that in the new Batman movie…oh my God! The Joker is dead! Quick! Someone call the Olsen twins! Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh Mary-Kate.
Fundamentalist Christian protestors turned up at Heath’s funeral because they were angry that by starring in Brokeback Mountain he had glorified homosexuality. Though apparently when Heath played murderous armed robber Ned Kelly it didn’t bother them. Glorify away! They said. God approves.
I’ve been finding it hard to deal wit the death of National Rifles Association President Charlton Heston. It’ll certainly be a lot easier to pry that gun out of his cold, dead hands now. Heston has been remembered by many for his roles in various films like Planet of the Apes and Ben Hur, but for many it will be his most touching film role towards the end of his life that will be remembered: when he appeared in Bowling for Columbine as the crazy right wing gun nut with no sense of compassion. Amazingly, fundamentalist Christians didn’t turn up at Charlton’s funeral to protest against his glorification of firearms.
Riff
The CIA conceded recently that they use waterboarding, even though the Geneva Conventions define it as a form of torture. George W Bush defended the CIA, saying it is a perfectly legitimate questioning technique. Funnily enough 2 Whitehouse journalists were arrested at a Presidential press conference for using the perfectly legitimate questioning technique on Bush himself. Campbell Newman refused to comment on whether waterboarding contravenes Level 6 Water restrictions.
In unrelated news, slightly concerning reports that a former CIA agent is planning on buying Wet n Wild Water Park.
8 Months
The Labor Budget introduced a hefty new tax on drinking families, with the price of alcopops to rise in order to curb drinking by teenage girls. And if that doesn’t stop them, they’re going to make it more like a lottery and in every tenth bottle of Vodka Cruiser, they’re just going to drop one pill of Rohypnol. Now there’s a real deterrent. Drink one Vodka Cruiser and you could end up sleeping with Wayne Carey or Shane Warne. Brendan Nelson vowed to oppose the tax and immediately increased his popularity with underage girls. It’s good to see the Government’s got their priorities right in focussing on teenage girls too. I mean people are always going on about male binge drinkers but you don’t know how hard it is for teenage boys, when teenage girls get drunk. Poor innocent boys, being taken advantage of by girls drunk on Vodka Cruisers.
Kevin Rudd revisited America and met candidates for the Presidency. But the real surprise came when Kevin was so impressed by Hillary’s abilities as a candidate that he slipped a twenty dollar note into her bra strap, thinking he was at the Scores nightclub again.
At a tribute dinner, John Howard offered his help to the Liberal Party, with advice on all his specialty areas like losing elections, losing the Prime Minister’s electorate, losing in a Ruddslide.
His main piece of advice to Brendan is to learn from all his experience as PM and accuse Kevin Rudd of being a Maoist Unionist who throws his children overboard and who is so unAustralian that he takes his Muslim children to maritime strikes… and that what is needed is for the army to intervene into Rudd’s house, take his children off him and quarantine Wayne Swan’s Budget money. But the evening was a celebratory affair for the Liberals, even tough Howard once again refused to apologise…for losing the election last year.
The Olympics are here and it’s going to be fantastic event. And a great place to hold it too..China, with their Great Wall, a booming economy, a great human rights record and those high quality plastic products they make in China. The Chinese are excited about it too. They have announced they will be entering a boxing team into the Beijing Olympics. They do have a strange training regime though. All their boxers have been dressed up as police officers and sent to Tibet. Their athletics relay team have had a few problems, as every time they’re supposed to pass the baton, they end up using it bash a Buddhist instead. The Government says there have also been problems with getting some of the venues ready and they’ve had to move all the shooting events to be moved to Tiananmen Square. But the Chinese have rejected calls for a boycott over their actions against Tibet because they say the Buddhist monks started it. They were creating really bad feng shui and their statues of that fat guy were always laughing at them.
Australia got its first ever female Governor General in Quentin Bryce. Bryce said that she hoped it would be an inspiration to young girls around Australia. Yes girls, now you too can aspire one day to cut ribbons, wear funny costumes and travel to foreign lands at the expense of the taxpayer. Just don’t aspire to be an elected Prime Minister of the country.
In Austria, a man was convicted of abusing and keeping his children in a basement for 17 years straight. Austria expressed its anger. Australia expressed its shock and America said they’ve got a job for the guy in Cuba if he wants. In Australia there have been several cases recently of child neglect and child abuse. The Government is expected any day now to announce an army intervention into white communities and measures to seize all child pornography from Melbourne Art Galleries and photographic exhibitons.
Wayne Carey announced he’s moving to the Gold Coast. I guess he’s looking forward to Schoolies Week.
Cyclone Nargis killed 22 000 and left over 1 million Burmese destitute. With cyclones like these, Burma barely even needs a military government anymore.
Lyrics
Hillary Clinton got caught out when she falsely claimed she had landed in Bosnia under sniper fire. Hillary claimed she simply misspoke. Funnily enough, the same excuse Bill used when he said that he did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky.
Kevin Rudd made his first visit to Japan and he had a whale of a time! Just as well Kim Beazley isn’t PM. The Japanese scientists would have chased Beazley with their harpoons everywhere he went. Rudd and the Japanese PM discussed ways to cut down greenhouse emissions using alternative fuels. The Japanese have announced scientific research into whether crude oil can be replaced with whale oil. They also discussed environmental problems like overfishing. Funnily enough, the Japanese PM has a solution to replace fish meat in people’s diets too, it just needs a little more scientific research.
Headline Cut Ups
Channel Seven have announced the next series of Gladiators will feature Belinda Neal as the Gladiator called Iguana. If you don’t know who she is, she’s gonna pummel you in the game we call “The Nightclub”. This has of course ruined her chance of becoming leader of the Labor Party…if only she’d broken the arm of a taxi cab driver…or gone to a New York strip club so drunk she couldn’t remember the strippers.
The Army had to apologise to “entertainer” Tania Zaetta after it leaked claims that later proved to be false that she had slept with Australian troops during a visit to Iraq. Unfortunate for her, but I tell ya what I nearly signed up to go to Iraq on the spot. But because of Rudd’s Iraq War election promise, most of the troops she had sex with had to withdraw.
Brendan Nelson went on a listening tour and went into Australian pubs to hold genuine conversations with genuine Australian people. He insisted we call him Brendan too. He received fantastic suggestions in the pubs. On the economy: tax exemptions for people who wear flanell, On education: making sex education in schools more hands on, On the environment: beer fuelled cars, On indigenous affairs: putting dot paintings on all beer bottles
He came under criticism because the tour lasted longer than 17 days and still didn’t include a meeting with the Prime Minister of Japan.
And Brendan, if you’re listening, the key to making yourself popular in Australia is to get yourself over to Scores Nightclub in the US. If you can do that AND rhyme your name with the year of the election, you’re set.
According to a NSW study, multiculturalism is causing the phenomenon of “white flight” where white children are leaving the public school system to get away from schools with high indigenous populations. Ironic isn’t it. If the Aborigines had have known it was that easy to get rid of white people, they’d have set up schools everywhere and tried going to school 200 years ago. There’s also a certain irony to the idea of Aborigines forcing white kids to attend Catholic schools run by evil nuns.
Western Australian Opposition Leader Troy Buswell was forced to admit to getting down on all fours and sniffing the seat of a female member of parliament. Which does a make a change for the Liberals cos with John Howard we were more used to him licking George Bush’s arse. In Buswell’s defence, he said he’s a Buddhist and in a previous life he worked as a sniffer dog and he mistook the woman for Schapelle Corby. And to give Buswell comfort, guess who gave him his backing…Brendan Nelson! I’ll bet that’s a comfort. Clever move for Brendan too. I wonder if he can get his approval rating any lower. Can I hear 5%? 4% I see 4% over here.. 3 anyone?
Warren
Tony Abbott, who just a few years ago was cutting benefits to pensioners, carers and single parents this year criticised Labor for having a lack of compassion. I suppose next he’ll criticise them for having a GST. The Labor Budget was met with the welcome sight of pensioners protesting. Welcome, because under Howard, they couldn’t even afford food to give them the strength to get up and protest. Former Liberal Aged Care minister, now backbencher Bronwyn Bishop criticised Wayne Swan for not providing enough money for pensioners to even be able to afford a decent kerosene bath.
After Kevin Rudd announced a wage freeze for politicians, Tony Abbott also urged the Government (*ahem* cue violins) to have compassion towards politicians, who are struggling to make ends meet on 120 grand a year. As Abbott said, they have mortgages to pay, school fees, medical expenses, all the normal expenses that families have and the only source of meeting these expenses is their parliamentary salaries. Many politicians have hit hard times since being unelected, like this gaunt looking, half dead man. Things have hit the Abbott household so hard they’ve had to start buying Home Brand caviar. So please, give generously to the World Vision Coalition Politicians In Need Appeal. You may not be able to give them your vote, but at least give them your money.
Articulate
Big Brother has been axed! With no TV program left to appear on, now the bogans of the country will have to go back to their more traditional forms of entertainment like having sex to collect the baby bonus. There are rumours that Channel 7 will pick the show up now, featuring intruders Corey Worthington, Wayne Carey and Belinda Neal.
Plans are afoot to make Paul Keating a tourism ambassador for Australia. Yes the man who once described Australia as the arse end of the earth will be promoting us to the world. In fact, that’s going to replace the slogan “Where the Bloody hell Are Ya?”: “Australia: The Arse End of the Earth” or Australia: Come and wipe your arse on us”. Where the Bloody Arse Are Ya?
Scattergories
The Catholic Church released a new set of deadly sins for the modern era. The Vatican said deciding on just 7 sins was a difficult process and there were many sins they considered putting on the list that did not make it. This included annoying and inconvenient habits like turkey slapping, wishing you were a punk rocker with flowers in your hair, using Simpsons quotes as a substitute for coming up with a real joke of your own and the number one biggest sin that didn’t make it to the list: selling out to Channel Ten with weekly cross-promotion, less political humour and no Julie McCrossin.
Brendan Nelson backed a merger of the Liberal and National Parties, because counting the ALP, 3 right wing conservative major parties is just 1 too many. Barnaby Joyce called on the public to make suggestions for a new name for the merged party: well the Liberal Party are more conservatives than liberals, and the Nationals aren’t really national, but country, so why not shorten the Conservative Country Party to Tory C**t Party? Brendan says that once they’ve merged with the Nationals, their next step is to merge with Labor, so that way the Liberals might actually have some chance of winning the next election.
Final
And so we leave you with some predictions for the upcoming months:
With the end of Big Brother, the birth rate will increase as bogans are forced to find more traditional forms of entertainment
Rove, in a bid to find more vapid useless idiots to interview instead of ejected housemates will be forced to go to Parliament House
And there has been another school shooting in the US. Frankly, I can't think of a more fitting tribute to Charlton Heston.