And the big news? Good News Week returned to the telly, although in a slightly watered down version, with less political humour, lots of cross-promotion, and Claire Hooper replacing Julie McCrossin. So fortunately fans of Big Brother still have a TV show that caters to their level of intelligence.
George W Bush opened an embassy in China…presumably to negotiate a prisoner exchange between Tibet and Guantanamo. Bush urged for greater freedoms for Chinese people. After all, they are fellow human beings not lowlife scums like Tibetans or African Americans. Bush urged for freedoms like the right to be blindfolded naked in an Iraqi prison, the right to get access to quality healthcare for only a few thousand dollars, or the right to be locked up overseas for 7 years without charge. Bush said that What they need is a free press…or at least one controlled by Rupert Murdoch.What they need is a free press…and America offered to send over Rupert Murdoch to help them set one up.Beijing responded that Bush should not meddle in its internal affairs. Funnily enough, many Iraqis and Afghans are of much the same opinion….or at least they were when they were alive.
Kevin Rudd interview
The Greens came up with a solution to Australia’s ageing population by reintroducing a bill to legalise euthanasia in the Northern Territory. Labor made their own contribution to lowering the ageing population by refusing to raise the pension, saying that it was much kinder to starve old people to death. And the Liberals offered to help lower the number of aged people when Bronwyn Bishop offered to take over the nursing homes again. Tony Abbott criticised Bishop, saying that being mean to old people is all fine when you’re in Government, but if you’re in Opposition, you have to pretend to actually like old people, not just John Howard. One Nation expressed their opposition to euthanasia, as long as the youth in Asia stay in Asia and don’t come and swamp us.
Malcolm Turnbull speech
Scientists have witnessed birds twisting wire to use them as tools, which they say demonstrate an increased level of intelligence. Scientists are now observing members of the Bush administration for evidence of the same evolutionary progress.
Warren
John McCain created controversy with an ad comparing Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, though he did stop short of comparing him to Claire Hooper.
“What’s the difference, joked Palin, between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick”
You can put lipstick on Palin, but Palin’s still a pig
Republicans called on Obama to apologise to Palin for his comments that “you can put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig”.
So this campaign features not only the first ever candidate to be a black man, but the first ever candidate to be a pig with lipstick. Though there have been tensions between John McCain and Sarah Palin’s husband, Kermit the Frog. Apparently, McCain doesn’t care how hard it is being green, McCain maintains that climate change is a myth. Palin says she is the friend of the immigrant and wants to fund classes in Latin languages including Spanish, Italian and Pig Latin. After Obama’s comments, the Pig Liberation Movement was up in arms, or up in hoofs anyway. When her husband managed to get her into bed the first time, he referred to it as bringing home the bacon.
The Mayor of Mt Isa, John Moloney called on beauty disadvantaged women to move to Mt Isa because they would have a good chance of finding a husband. Channel Nine have said they’ll make a show out of it called Miner Wants a Fugly. Moloney said that political correctness is saying that it’s possible to pick up a turd by the clean end. And that’s the difference between Mt Isa and Brisbane. The Mt Isa Mayor says you can’t pick up a turd by the clean end, whereas the Brisbane mayor is a Can Do Man. And Campbell Newman will not only pick the turd up by the clean end, but he’ll build a tunnel right through the middle of it for you to drive through.
Obama in bed with Warren, not Clinton
Warren wins debate with Palin
Barack Obama nominated Joe Biden as his vice presidential running mate, with commentators saying Obama would only agree to having Hillary as VP as long as Bill was banned from the entire West Wing of the Whitehouse. Bill said he was more than happy for Hillary to go to the West Wing while he stays in the bedroom with a cigar.
Bush Tribute
Bush visited Australia during APEC 2007. While he was out here, Kevin Rudd gave Bush a biography of John Curtin. I love that. There’s something delightfully amusing about giving George W Bush a book as a present. (Bush voice) Goddamn Australians, I can’t understand all these long words in here. This is much harder than that Dr Seuss book I read last week, Saddam I Am, but there are some good photos in the middle. Bush was however stuck in Australia for much longer than planned, as he couldn’t find an exit strategy.
George Bush refused to sign Kyoto because he thinks Asia should have to deal with its own global warming problem.
Terri Schiavo shot to prominence in ‘06 when conservatives and liberals battled out whether she should be allowed to die or kept alive in a vegetative state. Vatican cardinal Renato Martino condemned the decision to let her die, saying that there was nothing wrong with living in a vegetative state, and if she weren’t a woman she’d make a perfect candidate for the Papacy. George Bush condemned the killing, as soon as he realised she’d been the only person in Florida to vote for him during his first election. Cardinal Renato Martino described death by hunger and thirst as one of the most inhuman and cruel forms of death, stating that it would have been more Catholic practice to send her to Africa and deprive her of contraception.
One of the people credited with helping to end race segregation in America, Rosa Parks died while Bush was in office. It is thanks to Rosa that black and white Americans are treated equally, as we saw straight after Hurricane Katrina. George W Bush said he didn’t know what Parks had been complaining about with the whole not getting to sit down on the bus thing, at least the blacks in her time got transport out of where they were.
Robert Mugabe was returned this year as Zimbabwean President in a one man election. George W Bush described it as a sham election…and he should know.
Cartoons Round 1
Another cyclone struck the coast of America, and when Dorothy and Toto landed…. They discovered that the Wicked Witch of the West had become John McCain’s vice presidential running mate. Sarah Palin: She’s one of those people who makes you rethink whether abortion should be a choice. For some parents, perhaps it should be compulsory.
Brendan Nelson called a leadership spill, apparently after Peter Costello suggested the idea. And if you’re looking for someone to mastermind a leadership spill, who better than Peter Costello. It’s almost as successful an idea as a Republican Movement led by Malcolm Turnbull. Turnbull praised Costello for the ten interest rate rises that happened under him. After all, Malcolm reckons interest rate rises are much better if you’re the one who actually owns the banks.
Kevin Rudd hinted he may introduce performance pay for teachers. They also thought about performance pay for politicians, but then they realised they’d all be earning more on the dole. This coincides with the new national Year 3,5, 7, 9 tests featuring numeracy questions like “If the Gallipoli ANZAC Day Dawn service is at 3am Australian time and Sunrise doesn’t start til 6am, how many votes will Kevin lose by participating in a fake dawn service. Kevin says numeracy skills are vital for Australian kids so they learn how to calculate their pay when working at strip clubs.
George W Bush urged Americans to “Think not what your country can do for you, think what your country can do for Wall Street bankers.” Bush offered a bailout to companies going bankrupt in the Wall St crisis, but even some Republicans baulked at the cost of Bush’s plan: so Malcolm Turnbull offered to chip in $10 billion spare change he had in his pocket.
Headline Cut Ups
John Howard commented that the economy was doing much better when he was in Government. He has a point. Not only that, but since Rudd came to power, the US economy has gone to shit and the entire global economy. I tell ya, the guy’s a disaster.
The Queensland Government will have to pay $118 000 to an Aboriginal man as compo for accidentally keeping him in jail for an extra 4 months. So we’ve finally found a way to get the Government to pay compo to members of the Stolen Generation.
China came under fire for breaking promises on its environmental record. If only they had a bold 20% renewable energy target like us.
There are reports that increased immigration is making the housing crisis even worse than before. But fortunately the Liberals have found some cheap accommodation for immigrants out at Baxter and Woomera.
Pauline Hanson is rumoured to be starring in a new reality TV show to find a husband. Just think if they reproduce we’ll be in danger of being swamped by rednecks.
The Mt Isa Mayor has already put in a bid for Pauline to move there. Tonight on Channel Nine’s new lineup: Redneck wants a Husband. All I can say is that anybody having sex with Pauline “It’s not natural”.
Brendan Nelson said he would oppose Labor’s alcopops tax because we must protect young people’s idealism. And the best way to do that is with a Vodka Cruiser and a packet of Winnie Blues. And according to the side of the bottle, Vodka Cruiser is 7.5% idealism. Brendan’s approval rating with teenage girls is doing so well he may even have a chance of being the next Australian Idol. You can just see Vodka Cruiser’s new ad “We keep your idealism intact right up until you’re old enough to buy your own alcohol.” Anyway, we all know that binge drinking is going to continue as long as they refuse to deal with the serious issue of Passion Pop drinking.
In breaking news, Sarah Palin has been seen eating at a Chinese restaurant, more than doubling her foreign policy experience.
Going for Gold
I was home sick last week so I got to watch a fair bit of the Olympics. I got up in the morning and watched Channel 7’s fantastic coverage of the swimming, then I caught the afternoon coverage, with Channel 7’s fantastic coverage of the swimming, and then I stayed up late watching Channel 7’s fantastic coverage of the swimming. I tell ya what I saw so much swimming, it was incredible. I couldn’t actually tell from their coverage which bits were live and which were just replays, but I tell ya what was amazing is that Michael Phelps. I must have seen him win about 44 gold medals. I saw that SBS was covering the Olympics too. Who knew that the Olympics had other sports besides swimming? And other countries too, not just Australia!
I had a bit of trouble with the reception at first, there was nothing but white across the screen, you could barely make out the action, we were playing with the aerial, banging on the TV set. Anyway turned out, there was nothing wrong with the reception, it was just all the smog.
I think to some extent we cheat on the medal tally because you know like you’ve got people like Stephanie Rice. She’s a swimmer, and there she is winning medals in the 100m free, 200m free, 400m medley and so on and so on. Can you imagine if they did that in like the soccer. Like if they had the gold medal for 90 minutes games of soccer, 45 minute games of soccer, 20 minute games of soccer. Brazil’d romp home in the medal tally.
We did well, Australia in the medal tally. And they had those other medal tallies too like medals per head of population or medals per dollar spent on sport, but the one we did really well on was the medals per fat person living in the country. I think that’s impressive, like Australia has a population of 20 million, which is made up of 264 Olympians and approximately 19 999 636 people who are medically obese. African countries did shithouse on that medal tally. Like, the only fat African I know of isn’t even African anymore and that’s Oprah Winfrey.
We do well in the swimming, but we do shithouse in the sprinting. But I think Kevin07 can help out. We just need to increase our immigration intake from Jamaica. Cos seriously, we’re a nation of whitefellers. You can fund the AIS to the hilt, you can get the best coaches, you can make our athletes run 24 hours a day, but we’re just not gonna get there. I mean let’s face it, the only time we ever did any good in sprinting was when we had an Aboriginal woman in the 400m. Only time John Howard ever cheered on an Aboriginal.
We’re a great sporting nation. I watched so much Olympics, I felt like I almost took weight off just watching it. It was exhausting. And I got right into the Olympic spirit. I ate from the Olympics official restaurant, McDonald’s. Funny, I’ve never actually see any Olympians walk into my local McDonald’s, but you know. I must just go at the wrong time.
Wasn’t that incredible when Liesel Jones collapsed after getting her medal. She said she was just exhausted. I thought she was just doing her impression of a Tibetan standing near a member of the Chinese military.
Several countries did well. Belarus won their first gold medal. And Georgia won four gold medals….although Russia stole 2 of those medals off them. But after all those 2 Georgian athletes did come from the part of Georgia that the Russians have now invaded so it’s only fair.
Cartoons Round Two
Barack Obama got into a little hot water for his comments that people in rural white America were bitter and as a result often cling to racism and guns. Damn! I mean good one Obama! There goes all the redneck voters! It certainly is the election for minority groups in the US with the election now coming down to a battle between their first black candidate and their first geriatric candidate. However, John McCain’s campaign has already suffered one setback…George W Bush has endorsed him. Although no one’s really sure if he really understood what he was doing…er a journo asked him to say what he thinks of McCain, and Bush simply said “McCain….good packaged frozen vegetables”.
New anti-pokies Senator Nick Xenophon called on the Government to replace pokies with vending machines. Just think of the benefits of vending machines over pokie machines: You win every time and you take home food every night. The idea has been trialled in some parts of the world with great success, but at the same time as the trials, the obesity problem did get worse…can’t think why.
In WA, the Libs took over power, meaning that Troy Buswell, the man previously known for getting down on all fours and sniffing the seats of his female colleagues will now be the Treasurer, passing up an opportunity to join the Sydney Bulldogs. And he’s been strangely insistent on having lots of women in Cabinet. And he’s increased funding for good quality furniture for the Cabinet. Troy’s hoping Cabinet meetings with the ladies can be a more casual affair, you know maybe topless. The funding in the Budget will be decided with games of strip poker. The election campaign was interesting, with most pollies kissing babies, but Buswell going a bit of a grope and a bra snap on the mums.
The Government conceded it is very hard living off the aged pension. Many pensioners are now unable to afford the pokies and have had to resort to playing the vending machines, which is placing a real strain on the gambling industry. Meanwhile, some oldies in the Northern Territory are making a bit of extra cash doing the extra undertaking jobs now available thanks to the Greens.
Breaking News
In breaking news, a pig in WA has kept a woman hostage for over 24 hours in her home. Police are investigating reports that the pig wore lipstick and answered to the name of Sarah.
Leaving You
And so we leave you with some predictions for the rest of the year: Kevin Rudd will get a surprise when he visits a Cypress strip club to find Alexander Downer on stage in fishnet stockings.
John McCain will win and at his first cabinet meeting, when the policy talk starts, he’ll turn to Sarah Palin and say “The boys and I are going to do some Government stuff now. How about you pop home and keep an eye on the Russians for us?”
Sarah Palin will become President when she goes hunting and accidentally mistakes John McCain for a moose.
Sarah Palin will become President and it will be good the world…and pigs with lipstick might fly.
WhiteHouse advisers to Sarah Palin will hide all the Whitehouse’s atlases in the hope that if Sarah Palin never finds out the names of other countries in the world, she can’t declare war on them.
And Hungry Jack’s will introduce an even bigger quadstack burger…but it will only be when they add 4 layers of bacon that Sarah Palin will start worrying.