A Liberal Party supporting acquaintance and I rode along in the car with the radio news on. It informed us of the new Government’s plans to introduce an Australia Identity Card: a new measure to combat terrorism. We both groaned “Nooooo!”. Then my friend labelled the idea: “COMMUNISM!”.
My goodness! My worst fears about those reds under the beds had come true! Those sneaky pinkos had infiltrated the Liberal Party, gained power under the pretext of economic management, and begun the business of implementing full scale Communism.
Fear gripped me for the rest of the day. I went to a primary school and witnessed my supervising teacher encouraging the children to SHARE! If that’s not Communist propaganda, what is?
She read them The Goose that Laid the Golden Eggs. The moral? Greed can make you lose everything you already had.
They watched a video about Robin Hood and his attempts at equal distribution of wealth!
They were everywhere! I went into the city to do some shopping, and everywhere I looked there were people wearing red. On the walls were Socialist Alliance Posters. In the supermarket, calico bags urged me to “Go Green”, and in the cake aisle, shrewd marketing attempted to equate Green’s with mud cakes! And we all know that the Greens are very very red on the inside!
It was time to face the facts. I was living in a communist utopia and I hadn’t even known it! No wonder the system wasn’t working.
But there remained hope for me in the evening news report on the Australia Card. A small group of conservatives were standing up for Capitalism, trying to avoid the inevitable domino effect that was threatening to grip the USA and UK. A Party that had formed in the 1970s was strongly objecting to the proposal. The founding members were originally members of the Liberal Party, but obviously they had been so disgusted with its move towards Marxism, they had quit and formed a Party with the slogan “Keeping the Bastards Honest”. After all, what bigger bastards could there be but the Communists? These beacons of hope for me declared their favouritism for Democracy by calling themselves the Democrats.
And I discovered that I no longer had any need to fear the Labor Party. I had been wary of them ever since Mr Menzies warned me against the threat of these reds in the 50s. But these reformed reds had declared their opposition to the communist proposal, thus causing me to swing from the Libs, who had served our capitalist economy so well for so long, to the capitalist Left. Phew. What a relief!
I mean, I’m not entirely sure what Communism is, or how it works, but it sure looks scary. I’ve heard they force everyone to stop using Christian names, because it is the produce of the people’s opiate, and you have to call everyone ‘son of Mao’.
And I’ve heard that it’s part of Marxist doctrine to make baby human sacrifices to the skies, in order to show your devotion to a godless existence. And I’ve heard they make everyone wear prison grey and speak in a monotone.
If we want to stop this from happening, we must vote out John Howard and his comrades at the next election, before it is too late. Long Live Capitalism!