Uncle Ray Martin has been trying to get little Johnny to sing at Carols by Candlelight for years. Every year, Johnny has declined, too shy to make the transition from the Kirribilli piano to the Domain. But rumour has it that this year, Johnny has finally acquiesced and he will be the surprise guest at this year’s Carols (possibly dressed as Father Christmas, bringing gifts like delivering on non-core promises). And here at CS, I just happen to have gotten hold of the songs he will be singing. Johnny fancies himself as a bit of a poet and so he’s added his own touches to some of our favourite yuletide songs.
1. Silent Night
Election Night, Holy Night
all is won, more power to whites
$600 to mother and child
small ‘l’ liberals are far too mild
you’ve got to have war to have peace
at least that’s what I tell the fleece
Silent night, free trade night
Shepherds quake at the sight
Glories stream from George Bush afar
on election night we sang hallelujah
Born to rule at my birth
Born to rule at my birth
2. Jingle Bells
Ring the Bells
Ring the Bells
Division time today
Oh what fun it is to have a complete mandate
Ring the Bells
Ring the Bells
I don’t like the gays
If Family First gets in they will all be slain, hey!
3. Good King Wenceslas
Good King Dubya looked out, on the east of Saddam
He was hiding in a hole, so we jumped in and had ‘im
Brightly shone the bombs that night, Oh Saddam was cruel
When a rich man came in sight, gathering Western fuel
4. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Andrew the Red-nosed Democrat
had a very shiny nose *like an alco*
and if you ever saw it,
you would even say it glows
All of the other parties
used to laugh and call him names *pinko! trannie! lightweight!*
they never let poor Andrew
join in powerbroking games
Then one stormy Christmas Eve
Andrew Murray came to town and said
Andrew with your nose so bright,
won’t you guide my party tonight?
But still nobody loved him
and the Greens shouted out with glee
Andrew the Red-nosed Democrat
will take the Dems down in 3!