A champagne socialist reflects on Western culture and the Universe... and whilst gazing at his navel, he comes up with a lot of useless lint. It is the fruits of this navel-gazing that form the substance of this blog.
It's all sweetness and lightness that you bring
and a room full of people fall to your infinite charm
but when darkness should quickly descend
you go quietly, my miserable friend
to the depths of despair you will crawl
black and white boy


The drummer out of my favourite band, Crowded House has committed suicide. The Crowdies were responsible for that hit “Don’t Dream It’s Over” and countless other gems.

Deborah Conway described him as “an acute observer of life”, and she suggested that this sometimes contributed to his depression. A lot of songwriters and musos suffer from depression. (Hesto’s bandmate, Neil Finn gets depression, and I would always have expected that if anyone was going to top themselves, it would be him, not the ever-effervescent Hesto.). I think that in many cases it is for this same reason.

People who write songs have strong creative talents. Many of them are completely “loony”. What we call “insanity” is often a case of someone seeing the world in a different way to the way most people see it. This can go to extremes like schizophrenia, where perception of the world is completely out of synch with everyone else’s perception, and there is a whole continuum all the way back to a mundane view.

I think it would be hard to be creative if you weren’t a bit insane. To write something interesting, something that will make people listen to what you have to say, you need to have a distinctive take on life. Lyrics are often simply observations of life. We all observe life, but most of us don’t have observations that are particularly different from anyone else’s. A songwriter is someone who watches for the nuances of life. S/he is someone who notices little things that other people don’t. They stop to think about why someone does something. They contemplate people’s motivations. They ponder deeply how people think and operate. And because of this, they are able to comment on things that the rest of us take for granted.

This acute observation of life can manifest through songwriting, through philosophy, through blogging, through poetry, through art etc. But this acute observation of life often leads “depressive” people to think deeply about the darker side of life. On the one hand, they might deeply value the kind motivations behind a good deed. On the other hand, they can get really stuck on the horrific-ness of the world.

If you’ve never been through true depression, there’s absolutely no way you can understand it. It’s a whole other headspace, where everyday logic and reason have no place. A new logic consumes the person and takes on an air of complete normality to the depressive. If you’ve ever been completely drunk, and lost complete control, that goes a little tiny way to explaining how consuming this new set of rationality is. But you’re still not even close.

To someone who’s never been through depression, Hester’s suicide might seem selfish. He leaves behind two young children who will now have to go through the most horrible ordeal of growing up without a truly great father. How could he do that? When you get to this sort of low ebb, it seems that you are actually doing your family a favour. You go through a thinking process where it becomes completely clear that you are a negative force on the world. Any good deed you’ve ever done seems like a fleeting, unimportant event, something that cannot outweigh the enormity of all the bad influences you have on the world.

Everyone has people in their lives who have had to make the occasional sacrifice for their sake, and when you’re depressed, suddenly this consumes your thoughts. You start to think “how can I be worth that sacrifice? I am not as important as that person. They deserve better. If I were dead, they wouldn’t have to make any more sacrifices for me. They would be sad for a bit, but in the long run, they will be happier if I am not placing such a burden on them”. And this is how it is possible for a depressive to reason that they should commit suicide for everyone else’s sake. It is often the opposite of selfishness that compels a person to suicide.

Of course, they are wrong. We all have people who make sacrifices for us, and that’s what life is about. We all need other people and we even all need to make sacrifices for others, because doing something for someone else, particularly someone we care for, is something that makes our life fulfilled. My mother takes great pride in doing things for me and she would give her life to save mine, I know. Equally, I get great enjoyment of doing things for her and I would risk life and limb to defend her too. We all need each other. When you’re depressed though, that is usually something you can’t see.

So if there is any purpose to such a tragedy, perhaps it will be that the taboos of depression and suicide will be lifted a little in our country. It is a major problem and we need to address it. Yesterday, Hesto’s family and friends suddenly found it was someone close to them who became the guy who died this way. Tomorrow will it be yours?

You’d be amazed how much it can help a depressive person just to know that others care for them and are happier with them around. So talk to your friends and family and let them know what they mean to you. Because tomorrow, they might go walking their dogs and never come back…..

In his soft wind, I will whisper,
In his warm sun, I will glisten
Til we see him once again,
In a world without end


Comments
on Mar 28, 2005
There was an interesting question on another forum about this topic (hesto's death) what happened to the dogs?

Doesn't it seem odd that he'd take his dogs with him if he'd already made up his mind that he wouldn't be going home?
on Mar 28, 2005
Good article btw - I wondered what you'd do when you heard this news
on Mar 28, 2005
This reminds me of a quote I heard once:

"The line between genius and insanity is success."
on Mar 29, 2005
Thanks treens. I personally don't think he decided he would do it before he headed out. These sorts of thoughts can spiral out of control on a walk through a city in the night. can you please direct me to the other forum you mention?
on Mar 29, 2005
http://spinstartshere.com they have commentry about everything from weekly recaps of neighbours to polls on who'd be your worst nightmare "real" father (inc Amanda Vandstone) I can't remember how I found them but it's good for a laugh sometimes.
on Mar 29, 2005
Good article Champas. I'd just believing a while ago that suicide was a selfish act (at least from their point of view) I can't remember whether this was a conclusion I came to myself or if it was due to a conversation I had with you. Did we discuss this before?
on Mar 29, 2005
LW, thankyou for sharing your insightful and personal reflections. Quite a good description of depression I think. I guess depression is different for different people. I remember Neil Finn, Hesto's bandmate, saying how he writes his best stuff when he's just coming out of a big depression patch but not yet in a manic phase. I agree that for many depressives, even telling them they are loved won't help, but for many it does too. Better yet is letting them know that you are happy to make sacrifices for them and that you feel your life is better for having them in it. After all, you can love someone who is bad for you.

Tobler, I'm not sure WHO your comments are directed at, but I'm glad you enjoyed the article. (Click the edit button, boy!). Can I ask if these reflections had any effect on your thoughts?
on Mar 30, 2005
I'm shattered. R.I.P. Paul, you will be missed...
on Apr 05, 2005
A very interesting insight into depression.
on Apr 06, 2005
Champs, mate, top article.

I'm also a fan of the 'House and recently got to see rocKwiz on ABC with probably the last tv appearance of Hester. He was the most entertaining guest of the night, and in hindsight, he looked to be very comfortable in himself and took the chance to push the joke and be a larikin at any opportunity. It was a great, but hugely unfortunate tribute to the guy and of course the show was dedicted to his memory.

I'm also a sufferer of this deadful affliction and really think your article was heartfelt and enormously insightful.. even educating. I was surprised to learn one or two things about myself that I hadn't really realised before.

You deserve a [GREAT WORK!] sticker ... and an insightful
on Apr 15, 2005
Thanks Theo and rhys. Yes I didn't see Rockwiz, but I tried to describe the moment where he turns around and says "Don't look back" at the end to my Mum the other night and I started breaking up again.