Assume Nothing. Expect Anything. Because this year.....There’s a Twist. Again. Like they had last summer. It will change the face of Big Brother. Not even the new housemates will be told about the secret.
But my sources have revealed what Big Brother has up his sleeve to me. Here it is. The Twist. At the end of each week, instead of someone just being evicted from the house, they get ... Shot Dead.
As the first point-earning activity of the following week, the remaining housemates have to bury the ex-housemate in the backyard of the Big Brother house. Just think how exciting it will make nominations. Just think how fun it will make voting. It’ll certainly make me watch. It will also mean that the show will be making a valuable contribution to society.
You could even make the method of killing appropriate to the evictee. For instance, Saxon could have been drowned in a pool of tears. Sara Marie could have been crushed by a ten foot elephant. Ben could have been bored to death. And they could have deep fried Reggie at Pauline Hanson’s shop.
My friend suggested that the housemates will all run from The House the moment that the new rule is revealed to them. But that’s where the fun comes in. You don’t actually tell the housemates about the rule. Except one. The Mole. The Mole is given access to a gun and takes each evictee away at the end of the week and shoots them.
This then provides the possibility of a spin-off. CSI: Big Brother. An interactive detective show in which we are presented with all the evidence about who shot the dead housemate. There’s Bobby who nominated the now-dead Alice. His reason: “I want that girl dead”. There’s Johnno who had his bed stolen by Alice earlier in the week. And then there’s the token gay guy who suspiciously seems to get along with everyone in the house. Is it just a cover?
(As a spin-off from CSI: BB, there could be Queer Eye for the CSI. See the screaming queens advise Big Brother’s evicted, dead, token gay guy on how to fit into the stereotype better: “You need a La Croix coffin, darling, La Croix. And if you ever see anyone with a sense of individuality, turn your nose up at them. Oh and what is with all these people at your funeral: don’t they know that beige is the new black?”. See the pretentious hosts give advice to the Big Brother evictees on how to tzuje their hair so that it only spikes at the front, so that it looks like a tidal wave on top of their newly-decapitated head. Actually, perhaps the Queer Eye hosts should be the Big Brother evictees.).
Then we incorporate the best aspects of trial by media by having people vote for who they think is the Mole via SMS. I’ll explain what happens to the person who gets voted for in a minute.
After a few people die, and the housemates have had to bury a few evictees, the housemates might try to leave. So the solution to this is to make the site of the new Big Brother house the Woomera detention centre. There’d be no getting out of the house then. At least not without getting a very close shave from the razor wire. Razor wire sponsored, of course, by Gillette. The best a refugee can get.
Of course what would Big Brother be without an Intruder coming in partway through the series? You could have the intruders be Muslims whose applications for refugee status has been rejected. This adds intrigue over whether the Intruders are also the killers. After all, they are Muslims, or as the Government likes to call them: Terrorists. Maybe there are several killers. Maybe it’s a conspiracy. Have the housemates noticed that just before each murder, one of the housemates goes up to read in the Book Depository?
Once the people’s votes come in on who the Mole is, the person with the most votes gets placed into solitary confinement for the week (just like on Paradise Hotel). But they’re let out at the end of the week in order to carry out their killing duties. During their week in solitary, they have to completely renovate Cell Block H into a 5 star resort for only $5000.
And then suddenly, one morning, everybody awakes and one of the housemates is gone. Out in the backyard (the desert), there are crop circle markings in the sand. Could it have been an alien abduction?
And as a further spin-off, Dylan McDermott from the Practice represents the accused Mole in court. He proceeds to get the case thrown out by accusing the producers of Big Brother of being the real murderers. Good ole plan B.
It’s got the best of everything. Big Brother, Queer Eye, The Mole, CSI, X Files, Ab Fab, JFK, the News, The Block, The Resort, the Practice, Paradise Hotel. It’s a revolution in the way you watch television. And it’s available right now on Foxtel Digital.