A champagne socialist reflects on Western culture and the Universe... and whilst gazing at his navel, he comes up with a lot of useless lint. It is the fruits of this navel-gazing that form the substance of this blog.
and what women want too
Published on August 6, 2005 By Champas Socialist In Dating
In a word: you. You are what men want. If you are talkative and opinionated, there are men who like that. If you are quiet and easy-going, there are men who like that.

There are so many articles and conversations trying to figure out “what men want” (and “what women want”). They are all f’ing ridiculous. They seem to have the idea that all men want the same thing. That would mean that all men like the same things. Well here’s some earth-shattering news: different men like different things. Otherwise we’d all be trying to marry the same person and there’d be about two and a half billion very disappointed men. It may amaze you to learn that it’s all down to taste.

Now, if you were to ask “what do the men I (meaning you) like want?”. That’s a hard question. But it’s also a useless question. If you aren’t already pretty close to what they want, then you may as well move on. You may be able to pretend to be ‘aloof’, or ‘someone who laughs at fart jokes’, or ‘good at history’, or whatever this bloke wants, for a while, but all that pretending will tire you out, you’ll drop your guard, start acting like yourself and then end up fighting with him because it turns out he doesn’t like the real you, as though this is a major surprise when you consider that your relationship was based on a lie in the first place. He didn’t actually like you, he liked the character that you played. This would be like me dating Minnie Driver because I like shy, down-to-earth Italian girls who care about animals and who take the piss out of stuck-up customers. If Minnie pretended to be that role for a while (see Return to Me), I would think I had fallen in love, but in reality, Minnie’s an American actress and probably has few of the characteristics I want. And she would get pissed off with having to pretend to be something that she’s not after a while.

A friend of mine recently highlighted this difference to me when we were discussing our luck with girls. He has had basically no luck with girls, while I have had, well, certainly my fair share and a bit more. This seems silly to me because he deserves a girl much more than I do. But recently I noticed him being very charming with a girl at a party, (giving her his coat etc) and then he made no move on her. I asked him “What’s the go? You put in all that work and then you didn’t put in the final manoeuvres. What a waste of all that effort”. And he simply told me “Well I guess that’s the difference between you and me, I just did that to be nice. I didn’t do it to put in work”. And he’s right. I often put in “work” to charm a girl who I want to have a fling with: usually someone who doesn’t really suit me. As a result, I’ve had quite a few flings with people I’m not really suited to. Lots of people do this, going through serial monogamy, often fooling themselves into thinking they’ve found love or something very deep. But really they’re just in love with love and they find someone else who wants to pretend with them. In the long run, my friend’s methods are going to lead to a more fulfilling relationship, even if he gets nowhere at parties.

So as I was saying, trying to figure out what men want is silly. If gentlemen prefer blondes, then I suppose I’m not a gentlemen. That said, I’ve dated blondes. If men prefer women who sit quietly and agree with them on everything, as I’ve heard some people suggest men do, then I guess I’m not a man. That isn’t to say I haven’t been attracted to blonde bimbos, or even had crushes on them. Hell, I’ve even dated a couple. But I wouldn’t date a bimbo for very long (at least, not again, because it was a nightmare the time I did). I probably chase more pretty bimbo girls than I do smart, compassionate, confident girls who wear purple collared shirts, but I have much better, longer, fulfilling and fun relationships with the latter. And so it comes down to what you want: a fling in which you pretend to be something you’re not and which leaves you feeling empty; or a close friend who loves you for who you are.

Comments
on Aug 06, 2005
I LOVED Return to Me. I also wrote an article titled "What Women Want" (hehe, don't know if you saw it).

I've been pretty lucky, I guess. My husband and I met when we were teenagers, and we have always been just really well suited to each other (this is not to say that we haven't had our problems).

I agree, though, that pretending to be a certain way for another person's benefit is just going to wear you down. A natural connection is much more desirable, and, imo, not something you can seek out or force.

Curious about your thoughts on these little jewels:

Men don't like it when women just order a salad. They want a woman who will eat and enjoy food with them.

Men are intimidated and immasculated by women who make the first move (ask them out, ask them to move in, get engaged, etc.).

Men like women who don't mind getting dirty and working and playing hard.

Men are intimidated by women who are more successful or have higher paying jobs than they do.

34-24-34 ("ideal" measurements for a woman)

Men like women who are polite and reserved in public, but wild and salacious in bed.

Hehe...I read a lot of Glamour and Cosmo, so I could give you plenty more, but that's a start.

Interesting article!
on Aug 06, 2005
I don't wanna be mean, but yes Tex, I did see it.

As for each of these jewels, the same point applies. You cann't possibly make a generalisation about 50% of the population and expect it to be accurate. You can't make generalisations about races and be accurate, and yet races are smaller groups than genders!

For my own personal taste though:
I do not find an obsession with keeping weight down attractive. I like people who live balanced lifestyles, which includes eating properly. I have also been attracted to several "fat" women. I don't have a problem with that word because to me it holds no negative connotations.

I prefer women who make the first move, but there's no reason it should be either of them.

I don't quite understand the 3rd one.

I am comfortable with the job I want and accept it is not high-paying. I want a woman who is not concerned by money as I think it's a terrible way to live. But if they happen to make money, that doesn't bother me.

As I said I hate women who are reserved and polite. I want a woman who can think for herself and expresses her opinions.

Thanks Tex!
on Aug 07, 2005
I think our differing tastes are more than enough evidence to prove your article's point. thanks god we'll never have to worry about fighting over a girl - well I suppose a little matter of a few hundred kilometres helps as well...
on Aug 07, 2005
CS:
I don't wanna be mean, but yes Tex, I did see it.


Hehe...well, I figured you had, based on your title and your opening paragraph, but I didn't want to be presumptuous. Disagreeing with me or disliking something I write isn't mean. No worries.

(I do appreciate your sensitivity, though. )

As for each of these jewels, the same point applies. You cann't possibly make a generalisation about 50% of the population and expect it to be accurate. You can't make generalisations about races and be accurate, and yet races are smaller groups than genders!


Hahhaa...I agree...but generalizations can make the world seem much more manageable!

I do not find an obsession with keeping weight down attractive. I like people who live balanced lifestyles, which includes eating properly. I have also been attracted to several "fat" women. I don't have a problem with that word because to me it holds no negative connotations.


I think most guys have a different idea about what body types and sizes are attractive, but obsessing with weight to the point that one is unable to enjoy a meal is an annoying trait for either sex.

I prefer women who make the first move, but there's no reason it should be either of them.


Hehe...don't tell Cosmo mag!

I don't quite understand the 3rd one.


I'm too lazy to go see what the third one was.

I am comfortable with the job I want and accept it is not high-paying. I want a woman who is not concerned by money as I think it's a terrible way to live. But if they happen to make money, that doesn't bother me.


That is excellent. So nice to hear. I think people underestimate the value of doing something you love and that you feel good about doing.

As I said I hate women who are reserved and polite. I want a woman who can think for herself and expresses her opinions.


Hahhahahaa...nice.

I drive my husband crazy because while I will concede on JU and elsewhere, I cannot accept that he might disagree with me. I keep trying to convince him that I'm right. Hehe...quite a flaw, but fun as hell.
on Aug 07, 2005
I drive my husband crazy because while I will concede on JU and elsewhere, I cannot accept that he might disagree with me. I keep trying to convince him that I'm right. Hehe...quite a flaw, but fun as hell.


First of all, I have to comment to Tex by saying that my wife and you share this characteristic. She just doesn't like to be wrong, regardless of whether she is right or not. It makes for some very interesting discussions, to say the least.

Champas,

Well I guess that’s the difference between you and me, I just did that to be nice. I didn’t do it to put in work”. And he’s right. I often put in “work” to charm a girl who I want to have a fling with: usually someone who doesn’t really suit me.

In the long run, my friend’s methods are going to lead to a more fulfilling relationship, even if he gets nowhere at parties.


In the past, I've been very much like your friend. In fact, I've even had women say I'm too nice. It has left me wondering whether I should try to find a 'How to be a bastard to women and get all the sex you want' class but its just not in me. I've also been the sort of person who is in love with being in love. This has led to some seriously heartaches but ultimately, this has also helped me define who I am and what I like in a partner.

Cheers,

Maso
on Aug 08, 2005
Good article man. I think at the end of the day, it is safe to say all men want fruitful relationships with a nice woman. Some of us settle for mediochrity, some of us don't.

Right now i am at loggerheads with myself... the current object of my desires is nothing like i would normally go for, but she has a killer smile, pulls of white pants quite nicely, and seems like a lot of fun... I just love chicks
on Aug 08, 2005
she has a killer smile, pulls of white pants quite nicely, and seems like a lot of fun...


I bet she is a lot of fun...especially if they're your white pants!
on Aug 10, 2005
champas, i thought this was rad. i even gave you an insightful. you go!