With thanks to Toblerone for his contributions
Opening Monologue
2005 ushered in the new and improved Senate. The new senate is fuelled by a healthy disrespect for the will of the people, religious zeal and of course burning lesbians. In turn this has silenced protests that the Howard government isn°¶t interested in alternative fuels. Apparently burning one good fat dyke provides enough energy to run a small town of God fearing Christians for a month.
2005 was the year Russell Crowe felt so passionately about getting rid of Telstra he threw his Telstra phone away in disgust and Mark Latham sent Shane Warne an SMS to say he’d make a great new leader.
It was the year Tom Cruise jumped up and down on a sofa because of a younger lover and Michael Jackson denied having ever done the same...and now plans to become a Catholic priest.
It was the year Peter Costello offered people with disabilities the choice to either get a job or find a miraculous cure for their disability...and then get a job.
Iraqi citizens finally got the right to vote. Hell now they can vote 4 or 5 times if they really want to, especially they used to be in the Bathist party. Of course now the have to dip their finger in indelible ink to show they have already voted°Kor failing that just their stumps
It was the year in which Tony Abbott reconsidered his views on abortion after he discovered that he was the father of a Labor-voting member of the ABC staff, but then changed his mind back when it turned out the child was fathered by someone else and the woman was just one of these money-grubbing single mothers he has always loathed after all.
Rove McManus won a Gold Logie. The mystery is why Belinda Emmett after being cured of breast cancer would then go and marry another more obnoxious lump on her breast.
This year Australians showed incredible generosity towards the victims of the Tsunami. What would be better is if we could stop Amanda Vanstone from diving into the Indian Ocean in the first place.
It was a year in which HotDogs flopped out his hot dog and got Big Brother into a big bother with the censors. But HotDogs maintained that she said she wanted it and then she said no, and well what was he supposed to do, it was too late and anyway it’s not like he’s one of those guys who beats up on a woman. But HotDogs immediately changed his mind as soon as he saw those ads on telly and he called the free helpline. Unfortunately he dialled the wrong number and got Peter Costello’s saucy $9 a minute plus GST line. “What do you want me to do with those taxes rich boy, that’s right I’m taking them off, I’m taking them all off”.
2005 was the year John Howard proved David Hicks is a traitor when he got British citizenship.
And it was the year George Bush refused to sign Kyoto because he thinks Asia should have to deal with its own global warming problem.
Australia’s richest person, Kerry Packer died this week of kidney failure. It was the second time Packer had died, having suffered a heart attack ten years ago, only to be revived by a machine now affectionately known as the Packer Wacker. John Howard issued a statement saying he was a good businessman but he just didn’t have the ticker to keep on. Capitalists around the country have been crying into their hundred dollar bills, but have found that Australia’s plastic money is not nearly as absorbent as the old paper money. He now hands over his Empire to bankruptcy boy and Channel Nine are changing their slogan from Still the One to Still The OneTel. We can look forward to James inventing such marvels as one day World Series Curling, the reality series °ßHow to date a supermodel°® and the musical comedy How to Not Succeed in Business Despite Really Trying. It is case of like father like son, both Kerry and James had organ donated to them from people close to them. Kerry°¶s friend donated a kidney, unfortunately James was donated a brain by Kate Fisher°K he would of been better off with her tits, at least then he°¶d have something counter balance his jaw with.
One of the people credited with helping to end race segregation in America, Rosa Parks died this year. It is thanks to Rosa that black and white Americans are treated equally, as we saw in New Orleans earlier this year. George W Bush said he didn’t know what Parks had been complaining about with the whole not getting to sit down on the bus thing, at least the blacks in her time got transport out of where they were.
Former Queensland dictator, Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen died this year. Peter Beattie is still searching for a new policy adviser to replace Sir Joh.
Poland’s first Pope, John Paul 2 died after a long battle with illnesses. In their search for a new leader, the Catholic church decided to go for a fresh, young, vibrant replacement that could take them into the 21st Century with a new vision for the Vatican. Unfortunately she wasn’t available so they went for the usual, which meant a bloke whose vision for the Vatican badly needs contact lenses. Pope Ratzi has gone about spreading his conservative views and has already issued a statement that the best way to avoid AIDS is to imagine him naked, and that women should not be allowed to become priests because then who is going to cook the dinner. Some among the crowd said they were unsure whether Ratzinger was the best man to lure back liberal Catholics distanced by Pope John Paul's stand against women priests, contraception and abortion.Many fear these liberal Catholics may end up being lured by other heathen faiths like Buddhism, Islam or worse, Anglicanism. Ratzinger admits he was a member of the Hitler Youth for 4 years when membership was compulsory but his father's criticism of the Nazis forced the family to move home four times. Obviously a man of his convictions: Ratzie promises that he intends to move town every time he comes into contact with anyone he disagrees with as this is the best way to stop people from committing genocide. His biographer said that under Hitler, "Ratzinger says he watched the Nazis twist and distort the truth".
"Their lies about Jews, about genetics, were more than academic exercises. People died by the millions because of them," he said.
Ratzzie learned well.
Terri Schiavo shot to prominence this year when conservatives and libverals battled out whether she should be allowed to die or kept alive in a vegetative state. Vatican cardinal Renato Martino condemned the decision to let her die, saying that there was nothing wrong with living in a vegetative state, and if she weren’t a woman she’d make a perfect candidate for the Papacy. George Bush condemned the killing, as soon as he realised she’d been the only person in Florida to vote for him during his first election. Cardinal Renato Martino described death by hunger and thirst as one of the most inhuman and cruel forms of death, stating that it would have been more Catholic practice to send her to Africa and deprive her of contraception.
1. The Government passed legislation in September that allows them to sell off Telstra. But Barnaby Joyce made Peter Costello promise that he wouldn’t sell it off until bush people could get equal access to being overbilled and then put on hold for 5 hours by a voice recognition system. New CEO Sol Trujillo has pledged a revolutionary plan to improve bush telecommunications services in preparation for the sale, by teaming up with Heinz to provide every bush household with an aluminium can and some string. When asked about bush services, John Howard said “it is very important that bush has good telecommunications services because how else am I supposed to keep up a relationship with someone in Washington?”
5. Mark Latham resigned from politics in January and later made a public display of his mid-life crisis when he accused the ALP of having become irrelevant and weak. He’s right: at the start of the year, their leader didn’t even bother to issue a statement about the tsunami, and last year they were led to a crushing defeat in both houses of Parliament. Mark said he’s not sure how the ALP got this way but if they had him as leader, they’d be a shoe-in at the next election. Mark Latham has shown commitment to the truth unparallel in modern politics. He just keeps making more and more of it as he goes along.Latho said he intends to pursue a normal life for a man of his age and he’s already bought the Harley Davidson to go with his trophy wife.
12 Months in 7 Seconds
1. The heir to the throne formerly known as Prince Charles married long-time lover Camilla Parker-Bowles at a small ceremony in Windsor Castle in April. Whatever else may say about the guy, for instance that he comes from a long line of dim-witted inbred aristocrats, you have to admit he just has to be marrying for love. Rumour has it his engagement presents included a riding crop and a feed bag.and yes that was for Camilla. Charles says “Better a woman who can eat an apple in 2 bites than a woman who eats an apple in 50 bites over the course of a week and then throws it up later.® The royal couple left the ceremony in Camilla’s white Fiat Uno that she normally uses for cruising around Paris. The couple had worried that there might be a problem with paparazzi following them, as had often happened for Charles’ previous wife, but all the photographers who tried to follow them soon gave up when their lenses kept breaking every time they snapped Camilla. Elton John has scheduled himself to be married in the same church next year and he apologised for missing Charles’ ceremony, stating that he’d even gone to the trouble of rewriting Your Song just for the occasion: And you can tell everybody, I am your tampon, it may be quite kinky but now that it’s done I hope you don’t mind that I wrote down in words how comfortable Libra Fleur with wings are. With the sudden rush of gay marriages Dubya has been somewhat hesitant to take John Howard°¶s calls.
2. Amanda Vanstone came up with a rather novel solution to the refugee problem this year. Deport Australians. The government likes to determine who comes here and the circumstances in which they come. Apparently out of a womb just isnt good enough. In February, the ALP called for an investigation into how Australian resident Cornelia Rau was held in Baxter detention centre for 10 months. Amanda Vanstone said it was understandable that authorities would think Rau was an unlawful citizen because she spoke German so that they couldn’t understand her and suffered from a mental illness. Come to think of it, a woman who speaks gibberish and is crazy sounds like a pretty apt description of Amanda Vanstone.
3. Bronwyn Bishop called for a banning of Muslim headscarves in state primary schools because they prevent schoolgirls wearing uniforms. Bishop said uniforms are a great leveller, and besides which she wasn’t nearly as turned on by the hijab as she was by schoolgirls in uniforms. Bishop made the argument that when you have a clash of cultures, the dominant culture should prevail. Bronny has also started up campaigns to stop vegetarians from being invited to Australia Day barbeques, to prevent dirty black-influenced music like Elvis Presley and the Beatles from being played on the radio, to end wogball matches being played on the Melbourne Cricket Ground, and to end the celebration of Christ’s birth during the country’s most important commercial holiday. Brendan Nelson echoed Bishop’s Islamophobia when he said it was time that we started teaching Australian values in Muslim schools. Peter Costello suggested teaching values like allegiance to the American flag and a fair go for all rich people. Nelson suggested we could get Aussie icons to come in and teach the children, like the Sydney Bulldogs could teach the kids about respect for women, Amanda Vanstone could teach them about care and compassion and John Howard could teach them about core and non-core honesty.
4. Al-Qaeda warned London underground passengers to mind the gap between the corpses as they bombed the London underground in July. The bombers didn’t realise that they would be caught on surveillance tapes thanks to Britain’s new reality TV show, Survivor London Underground. Unfortunately the new Survivor had to be cancelled because there wasn’t one. John Howard responded to the bombings by announcing he wanted to copy the British security arrangements because they’d obviously worked so well for them. Howard spoke to Australian suriviors of the wreck and told them he didn’t think the attacks had anything to do with their part in the Iraq War, it was just a part of holy Muslim doctrine to blow up trains for the hell of it. But the whole thing happened because of a misunderstanding, where the bombers had heard that it was so packed on London trains, they were like sardines, and being fans of fish, they decided to do some cooking.
5. In a year in which France came under fire for banning the hijab in state schools, a little piece of Macquarie Fields came to Paris as two teenagers died when being pursued by police and the working class residents started rioting. The area has been controversial for a long time because the Arab immigrants have long claimed that they can’t get jobs because of their race or Muslim religion. Chirac denied that there was discrimination against Muslims in France, stating that he hates any person who wears a hijab to school, no matter what religion they come from. Many Paris residents from higher class suburbs marched in protest against the violence, stating that the rioters were just as big a part of the Liberty, Equality, Fraternity dream as anyone else: they’re free to be poor, they have equal access to drugs and they can all be slapped into jail by Big Brother. George Bush issued a statement he was annoyed that France had outdone America on discrimination against Muslims and vowed to up the ante by declaring that he would liberate Paris and deliver democracy.
6. Bob Geldof revived his Live Aid concept and held a worldwide concert called Live 8, calling on the G8 meeting to end poverty in Africa. Several of the G8 leaders pledged to wipe the debt as long as geldof promised not so ing. John Howard said it wasn’t that Australia needs the money, but if Africa is ever going to get out of poverty, they needed to learn the value of money and personal responsibility. The Africans told Howard that they didn’t understand why they had to pay for the actions of a previous generation. U2 frontman Bono, another key celebrity campaigner, summed up their message: "We're not asking you to put your hand in your pockets but we are asking people to put their fist in the air."
Unfortunately many people have now been left without fists as hungry Afruicans immediately chowed down on them when they were raised into the air. In Philadelphia, actor Will Smith told a crowd:
"We cannot forget that right now a child in Africa dies every three seconds. We are calling on the eight most powerful leaders to end this tragedy with the stroke of a pen."
Unfortunately the G8 leaders took this as a call to send pens to Africa and many Africans have now died from ink poisoning.
7. Just when you thought texting couldn°¶t get more evil, now it is being used to incite race riots in Cronulla. Warney was quite pleased momentarily when he misinterpreted one of the messages and took it as an invitation to °ßgive a bunch of lesbos a good licking°®. The riots were sparked when a group of Lebanese Australians bashed a couple of Anglo-Australian lifeguards and the Anglos sought revenge. Mark Latham rushed over to join the fracas as soon as he heard that a lot of Lebanese Australians work as taxi drivers. When John Howard was asked what he thought of the parochialism of the rioters’ clothing, John Howard said he had no quarrel with anyone who chose to wear a white hood.. I mean the Australian flag. The whole event occurred because the Anglos were angry after having seen footage of Asian Muslim countries affected by the tsunami and noticed that no one was swimming between the flags.
Strange But True
3. 25 years after John Lennon gave Charles Manson a piece of his mind, Paul McCartney became the first musician to broadcast into space at a special concert for NASA astronauts last month. This was actually the biggest audience McCartney has played to in about ten years. McCartney held the concert as a follow up to Bob Geldof’s Live 8 concert, in the hope that it will inspire aliens to donate to African poverty. McCartney urged the leaders of the 8 planets at the G8 summit on Pluto to wipe interplanetary debt. So far McCartney’s efforts have been judged to be equally as helpful towards solving world poverty as Geldof’s efforts.
9. In October, Danna Vale announced her idea that Victoria should re-create the Gallippoli foreshore on Mornington Peninsula so that Australians could visit it without having to contribute to the Turkish economy. Ms Vale suggested they could give bayonets to foreign boatpeople and force them to come ashore at the site and reenact the battle, thus killing two foreigners with one bullet so to speak. The plan was compared to a theme park by critics. Really what’s wrong with that? You could have a water slide down the trenches, kids go for rides on Simpson’s donkey, and you could have Australian soldiers run across the fields with their mouths open and heads going from side to side as park visitors throw ping pong balls to land in their mouths. The British have supported the idea and have offered to lend Army Generals to run the rollercoasters without seatbelts on the condition that only Australians are allowed on the rides.
and so we leave you with the news that Rove McManus has promised a new-look programme in the new year packed with extra blandness and sucking up to the sponsors and a hope that the new year will make Tony Abbott’s leadership aspirations about as dead as those of John Brogden.