So where do you reckon John Howard is now? Working for the dole? Or i n a nursing home getting a kerosene bath? I like to think he’s in a nursing home. I reckon he’d enjoy the games there. He’d love a bit of bridge, a bit of scrabble, bit of chess. Reckon he’d love a bit of chess, John Howard. Only problem with playing chess against John Howard is any time you try and take one of his pieces, he’d just excise that part of the board. And if you had the white pieces,...

We should be proud of Australia's history. There have been many great Australian achievements, but how can we accept pride in our country's history without also accepting shame in our country's history? As an Australian, my heritage includes the ANZACs, the convicts and the suffragettes. Unfortunately it also includes those Australians who forcibly removed Aboriginal children from their families based on their race. I am deeply sorry that my ancestors assumed that the British race's cultur...

The Australian newspaper has been attacking the Government's plan to reintroduce the permit system that allows remote indigenous communities to restrict access to their land. I strongly agree that the Rudd Government needs to get rid of the Left's evil permit system. Why should Aboriginal people have the right to decide who comes onto their land and the circumstances in which they come? Grog runners, drug dealers and the white padeophiles mentioned in the Little Children Are Sacred Report ...

And the good news from 2007? (American readers: The jokes you will get are in bold) As Union thugs took over the country, and interest rates rocketed sky high, true to John Howard’s prediction, the sky fell in and the entire country fell into recession. With the victory of the Union-dominated Labor Government, there has been a rise in strike action, particularly amongst school teachers who have been on strike now for several weeks running. George Bush was in the country for APEC. Ac...

Hillary Clinton arrived at the Democrat Party headquarters and told the man at the desk she wanted to become their next candidate for President. He ushered her into a room with all the head honchos responsible for deciding who would get the go-ahead. They asked her questions about her policies on economics, education, health, foreign affairs, industrial relations. They had a group of ordinary citizens come and hear her speak then say what they thought of her. They said she was intelligent, bu...

Hillary Clinton arrived at the Democrat Party headquarters and told the man at the desk she wanted to become their next candidate for President. He ushered her into a room with all the head honchos responsible for deciding who would get the go-ahead. They asked her questions about her policies on economics, education, health, foreign affairs, industrial relations. They had a group of ordinary citizens come and hear her speak then say what they thought of her. They said she was intelligent, bu...

It's been a month and a half since we finally brought an end to 11 years of conservative rule. And so far, I still am exceedingly happy with the change. Kevin Rudd has ratified the Kyoto protocol. Finally, we have intent to invest in renewable energies, for which there is an abundant untapped source on our continent. They are already working on an apology to the stolen generations, thus allowing us to move forward from this stumbling point onto practical issues with mutual trust. Rather...

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the November 24 Good News Week Election Day Special. Please imagine for one last time that John Howard is the Prime Minister, and that the election results had not yet come through. These jokes were all told hours out from that beautiful, sweet moment of victory on November 24, and some of these jokes went out of date as soon as the election results came in. It’s been a big last week of the campaign with all the candidates making their last pleas to voters....

Something incredible happened in this country last night. After 11 long years, Australia kicked out the Howard Government. It's over. At last. Last night you could not wipe the smile off my face. I have never cried with joy the way I did last night. And this morning. I am so so so so so happy, this is an unbelievable feeling. This heralds a new era for Australia, with the departure of our 68 year old Prime Minister, to be replaced by a 50 year old man. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. Doesn'...

I have just submitted a nomination for Australian of The Year. I nominate Noel Pearson. This was my reasoning: Noel Pearson has shown incredible commitment to Aboriginal people throughout Australia, particularly those in Cape York, where he comes from. He has worked continuously to find practical ways of improving living conditions for Aboriginal people. He has helped achieve several important outcomes through his work as Director of the Cape York Institute for Policy and Leadership. ...

Kebin Andrews is making me really angry today. For a start, apparently we are now no longer accepting African refugees anymore because supposedly they don't integrate/assimilate well enough. As if it's not bad enough that we have apparently now started basing our immigration policy on assimilation, we have now also started basing our refugee policy on it. Andrews says it's not "based on race, as such"!!! But it is sorta hey Kev. Never mind whether the people of Darfur are being carved up by t...

Tonight I did my first ever standup comedy gig at an open mic night. It went pretty well actually. I was of course hell nervous. My hands shook, but I controlled my voice and got the delivery I wanted. People laughed! In fact, quite a big portion of the audience laughed at most of the jokes. (The person who laughed least was actually my friend who came, because she was offended by one of the jokes, which I have since re-worded to clarify that it is not intended as a racist joke). One woman...

Call Me Irresponsible is a really important album for Michael Buble. I remember that first time I heard Buble's voice in a record store, before his first album was released and I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. The voice had a warmth about it, but also the coolness of Sinatra. He has some similar vocal qualities to Sinatra, but unlike Sinatra, he doesn't go flat. It was like Sinatra + Bobby Darin. I love what Robbie Williams and Buble have been doing for swing music in recent yea...

The jokes for the American readers are in bold. In America, Hillary Clinton continues to lead the race for the Democratic candidacy. Hillary has impressed many with her intelligence, strength and articulateness. The only concern that has been raised by her critics has been that she seems to lie an awful lot. Which is funny, ‘cause in Australia, that seems to be a pre-requisite for becoming a long-term leader of the country. The Pope published a new book about his life. Though the fi...

The Middle Eastern world, it is exploding Violence flarin’, bullets loadin’ You’re old enough to kill, but not for votin’ You don’t believe in war, but what’s that gun you’re totin’ And even the Todd River has bodies floatin’ But you tell me Over and over and over again, my friend Ah, you don’t believe We’re on the eve of destruction. Well Bush don’t understand what I’m tryin’ to say If he calls that freedom they should commit him today If the button is pushed, there’s no runn...