Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the November 24 Good News Week Election Day Special. Please imagine for one last time that John Howard is the Prime Minister, and that the election results had not yet come through. These jokes were all told hours out from that beautiful, sweet moment of victory on November 24, and some of these jokes went out of date as soon as the election results came in. It’s been a big last week of the campaign with all the candidates making their last pleas to voters....

Something incredible happened in this country last night. After 11 long years, Australia kicked out the Howard Government. It's over. At last. Last night you could not wipe the smile off my face. I have never cried with joy the way I did last night. And this morning. I am so so so so so happy, this is an unbelievable feeling. This heralds a new era for Australia, with the departure of our 68 year old Prime Minister, to be replaced by a 50 year old man. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. Doesn'...

I have just submitted a nomination for Australian of The Year. I nominate Noel Pearson. This was my reasoning: Noel Pearson has shown incredible commitment to Aboriginal people throughout Australia, particularly those in Cape York, where he comes from. He has worked continuously to find practical ways of improving living conditions for Aboriginal people. He has helped achieve several important outcomes through his work as Director of the Cape York Institute for Policy and Leadership. ...

Kebin Andrews is making me really angry today. For a start, apparently we are now no longer accepting African refugees anymore because supposedly they don't integrate/assimilate well enough. As if it's not bad enough that we have apparently now started basing our immigration policy on assimilation, we have now also started basing our refugee policy on it. Andrews says it's not "based on race, as such"!!! But it is sorta hey Kev. Never mind whether the people of Darfur are being carved up by t...

The jokes for the American readers are in bold. In America, Hillary Clinton continues to lead the race for the Democratic candidacy. Hillary has impressed many with her intelligence, strength and articulateness. The only concern that has been raised by her critics has been that she seems to lie an awful lot. Which is funny, ‘cause in Australia, that seems to be a pre-requisite for becoming a long-term leader of the country. The Pope published a new book about his life. Though the fi...

The Middle Eastern world, it is exploding Violence flarin’, bullets loadin’ You’re old enough to kill, but not for votin’ You don’t believe in war, but what’s that gun you’re totin’ And even the Todd River has bodies floatin’ But you tell me Over and over and over again, my friend Ah, you don’t believe We’re on the eve of destruction. Well Bush don’t understand what I’m tryin’ to say If he calls that freedom they should commit him today If the button is pushed, there’s no runn...

The women of Mutitjulu are understandably scared that their children are going to be taken away. This tells us that they are loving, caring mothers who do their best while living in poverty. What will the Government do to alleviate their fears? The Government is right to act to end alcohol and drug abuse. In the short-term, this will stop a lot of the fighting and sexual abuse from happening. But as Noel Pearson says, if this is going to work long-term, Aboriginal people themselves have t...

Mal Brough's "new paternalism" is hardly different from the old paternalism that failed dismally in the past. He acts from concern and compassion, but so did the Governments that removed indigenous children from their families in the hope of giving them a better life in urban white families. The issues of welfare dependency, drugs and sexual abuse are issues that must be addressed, but surely it would make more sense to try something that has a chance of working, rather than having another go...

The jokes the Americans will get are highlighted in bold. Dolphins are being used by the US Navy to monitor waters for enemy ships. Animal rights experts protested and asked whether we really want wild animals in charge of America’s national security. Looking at the last Presidential election, evidently the answer is yes. Education Minister Julie Bishop has suggested Australia should adopt performance pay for teachers. Workplace Relations Minister Kevin Andrews has also suggested we ...

For the second time in a month a right winger has whinged to me about our left-biased media and I'm going to get this off my chest because it's ridiculous. When I described the media of today as right biased, I was asked "which newspapers have you been reading?" (Sorry fishhead). Link In response: The Australian, which even John Howard recently thanked for having been widely supportive of his economic reforms. The same Australian that has run a "war on critical literacy" because it is l...

What made me laugh in 2006? The news as always! Here’ the US version of my satirical wrap up of 2006. And the Good News? Former Seinfeld star, Michael Richards was caught on a mobile phone camera yelling racist insults at black members of an audience he was delivering stand up to. Richards yelled at the people “N**gers! N**gers! Kick em out, they’re n**gers!”. At first the audience thought they’d accidentally walked into a Bill Cosby gig, but then he continued “50 years ago we’d have had ...

This is the cartoon I would draw if I had time to draw right now: Saddam hears news of Rumsfeld Saddam: In my country, you lose war, your head roll. In America, you win war, your head roll. This America is strange country. FULL-TIME chaplains would be installed in government schools to lift religious standards and provide mentoring for students under a plan backed by the federal Education Minister. http://www.vucthy-mors.dk/pb/Edb%20layout/F%E6lles%20filer/Charles%20Chaplin.jpg B...

I'm a lefty as my username makes painfully obvious. I used to be a commy. I still believe thee is an important truth to the old adage that if you're not a commy when you're 20, you don't have a heart. Uni students should always try to be as left as they can personally manage and get active in demonstrations. But I digress. I am not a commy (at the age of 24 :> ) . I am not a commy for the same reasons I was a commy. I always maintained that it was not communism that was flawed, but the peo...

I sit in my air-conned office all day Pushing paper, slaving away People don't realise how hard I work. I wish I could be on the dole with no pride from achieving goals and no reason to get up in the morn. If it weren't for the f**king poor people I wouldn't have to pay tax so I could afford to get a pool If it weren't for the damned working class I could put Bailey's in my glass, so I wouldn't be stuck getting pissed on beer. These dole bludgers ruin everything for me Life's ...

Remember New Orleans and all the black gangs raping people in their hour of need? And let's face it, it's not the only time we've seen that a very large proportion of criminals are BLACK. There I said it. I hate to be the person that points it out. I'm not racist. I just constantly point out the bad things that some blacks do and then make generalisations about how race affects the situation. You can't deny that race is a factor. You just have to look at the news, and there it is. Black peopl...